In a recent survey of 1,883 ADDitude readers, only 3.5% said they have no challenges in their relationships and friendships. The remaining respondents reported difficulties with meeting new people, staying in touch, social anxiety, and rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) — all of which thwart potential and long-term connections.

Here, we take a closer look at the challenges that hinder friendships and relationships and offer reader-provided solutions for building lasting connections because, as one respondent wrote, “If you don’t try, you’ll never know what could have been.”

Challenge #1: Reaching Out

More than half (55%) of respondents said proactively making plans was their biggest friendship challenge.

Solution: Last-Minute Plans

“I have found the best way to get together with other busy parent friends is to call and ask, ‘What are you doing right now?’ Half the time, we meet at a park or home for a few hours on a random day. This works much better than making plans since it’s hard to prioritize ‘getting together’ over family or other obligations.”

“I make plans at the last minute on the days I feel I can be social.”

Solution: Schedule Check-Ins

“I put my friends’ names in my calendar to remind me to check in, whether we have plans or not.”

“I set a goal to message someone a few times a week and even put it on my to-do list. Otherwise, it will not get done.”

“I schedule a Zoom call with an out-of-state friend, who has similar challenges to mine, every few weeks.”

“My best friend and I like to have phone calls over morning coffee on some weekends. It’s a great way to start the day!”

“I text my friends when I think about them, even if it’s not a ‘convenient time,’ so they know I’m still thinking about them.”

[Get This Free Download: The ADHD Friendship Guide for Adults]

Challenge #2: Managing Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)

RSD is extreme emotional sensitivity and pain triggered by the perception of criticism or rejection. It is common in adults with ADHD and impeded the relationships of 43% of survey respondents.

Solution: Be Reflective, Not Reactive

“Take a step back when RSD happens and ask yourself, whether it’s RSD or real.”

“Try to practice not reacting to RSD at the moment and ignoring the urge to catastrophize.”

“The Safe and Sound Protocol has helped a lot with my RSD.”

Solution: Be Transparent

“Let friends know if you struggle with RSD. They may not have ever heard of it, but once they know, they will usually help you find ways to feel less rejected (e.g., by using different wording in text messages, not letting you disappear, etc.).”

“Figure out what triggers your rejection sensitivity and how to communicate it with your loved ones. If they know what might trigger you, they can help you through feelings when they come up (e.g., saying, ‘I’m not canceling because I don’t want to spend time with you; it’s because of x…’).”

[Read: “I Can’t Handle Rejection. Will I Ever Change?”]

Challenge #3: Forming New Social Connections

More than one-third (38%) of respondents said they had difficulty knowing where and how to make new connections.

Solution: Join an Online Community

“Social media keeps me from completely losing touch with my friends.”

“Facebook groups have provided validation that I am not alone and have given me an avenue to help others and connect with other similarly minded folks in my area.”

“Taylor Swift’s online community is welcoming and fun.”

Solution: Join an In-Person Community

“Get involved in something, e.g., a club. It will give you a reason to socialize and can also distract you when the socializing becomes too much.”

“Find a house of worship you like and keep going.”

“Engaging in person is always the best way to meet new friends. I encourage myself to sign up for classes and check out community events whenever possible. Never underestimate the value of a human smile.”

“Focus on planned, short, easy group meetings with people for a finite amount of time. That way, I know how long I need to be ‘on’ rather than sit through a long-drawn-out event.”

“I love board games. I met my partner at a board game store’s open game night.”

“I am in recovery, and I have found a staggering number of friends in recovery groups (12 Step and otherwise) who are also neurodivergent. Spending time with others in a 12-step program with similar problems helps me not feel alone or special — meaning, my problems are unique to me, but I’m not the only person struggling with similar issues. Creating community and abandoning solitude, exceptionalism, and isolation is immeasurably valuable.”

Solution: Step Out of Your Comfort Zone

“Sometimes things feel awkward or uncomfortable — just sit in the discomfort.”

“I push myself occasionally to make plans with friends and family even when I’m too tired.”

“Be friendly, open, and curious. Be brave and introduce yourself at parties or gatherings. If you connect with someone, ask them to connect again through phone numbers or Facebook. Then, invite them out or over for coffee or a walk. Someone needs to make the first move.”

“Strike up a conversation with the wallflowers at gatherings.”

Challenge #4: Finding Your People

Finding friends was hard for 20% of respondents, and so was identifying people who appreciate (not criticize) their neurodivergence.

Solution: Seek Out Neurodivergent Friends

“My closest friends also have ADHD and totally understand and accept not only my quirks but also my absences from online or in-person chats and catch-ups.”

“I’ve always gravitated toward neurodivergent people. Other relationships end up feeling too much like work because of trying to meet their needs and expectations of a friendship, which are often contrary to my own.”

“It helps when your friends also have ADHD or are neurodivergent. It means easier conversations and less judgment. I highly recommend it.”

Solution: Be Transparent with Others

“I’m very transparent with my family and friends regarding my challenges. It’s helpful to say things like, ‘I’m laughing because I’m uncomfortable,’ or acknowledging awkwardness. Verbalizing things helps me recognize my feelings.”

“Tell your friends you struggle to call or make plans, but you haven’t intentionally forgotten or ghosted them.”

“Be open from the beginning, e.g., say, ‘I might cancel plans last minute if I’m having a tough day,’ ‘I will probably forget to send you a birthday card,’ ‘I might not reply to your messages for days or weeks,’ etc. If they’re fine with this, you’re off to a good start!”

“It has helped to let friends know that I have ADHD and may not appear to be listening, but I really am trying. I have also shared that because of my tendency to hyperfocus on a task, I might miss important details they said about their life. And again, I do care and don’t mean for it to seem like I’m disinterested.”

Solution: Be Transparent with Yourself

“I remind myself that not everybody is a good fit for me, just as I am not for others. To find my tribe, I need to interact with many people and let go of many people. It’s the same for others. It’s not personal; it’s a numbers game.”

“Try not to have strong judgments or expectations of other people. Just because you would respond to someone’s message immediately doesn’t mean everybody can or does. Just because you would always be available for someone doesn’t mean they will or can. Really look for people you like. When you meet people, don’t prioritize ‘Do they like me?’ Prioritize ‘Do I like them?’ Spread your social and emotional needs among different people so nobody gets too overwhelmed. Don’t put pressure on anyone to be your everything.”

Challenge #4: Social Anxiety

One- third of respondents said social anxiety keeps them from attending social events or engaging in conversations — all necessary for relationship building.

Solution: Change Your Mindset

“If I feel anxious in a social setting, I treat it like a work setting, where I do fine. I put on a mask initially, but eventually, I will feel comfortable being my genuine self. It’s sort of like ‘fake it till you make it.’”

“When it comes to RSD and social anxiety situations, it has been immensely helpful for me to realize that I have more power than I think I do. If I’m anxious about someone being difficult or unkind, I have the power to be proactively warm, confident, and kind, which (I remind myself) will only make them embarrassed or look bad if they choose to respond with unkindness.”

“Remember that you’re thinking more about yourself than they are.”

Solution: Prepare

“I think about topics I will discuss before going out.”

“Keep practicing! Watch others in social settings. Observe how they interact and think about how you can apply it. Then, practice in little steps. Be patient.”

Challenge #5: Navigating Conversations and Social Cues

The rules of conversation often baffle ADHD brains, which are prone to overshare, interrupt, or zone out. Twenty percent of respondents said navigating conversations and social cues was their biggest relationship barrier.

Solution: Practice Self-Awareness

“I tell friends and family to let me know when I’m doing something that annoys them or interferes with our ability to engage in conversations. I also check back in with them and ask if I’ve interrupted too much or if I’ve made a conversation too much about myself. My self-awareness and my friends’ honesty helped me improve my social behaviors and become a better listener.”

Solution: Hold Your Tongue

“I try to hold back instead of butting into conversations. This can be hard, as I worry that I will forget to say something. Ha!”

“Allow people to speak about themselves. Try not to interrupt. Ask questions without an agenda.”

“Don’t give your opinion, unless you are asked for it!”

“Just stop talking.”

Solution: Notice Details

“I always look for something I like about the person I’m talking to and compliment them on it. This helps me relate, connect, better absorb the interaction, and be present.”

“I use my superpower of remembering small details to build relationships. For example, if someone gives me a T.V. show recommendation, I’ll watch it and text them about it.”

“The Science of People website is so helpful.”

Solution: Be Authentic

“It takes a lot of mental energy to pretend to be someone you’re not to fit into a group you don’t value or that doesn’t value you. I also find it challenging to engage in small talk, making superficial friendships difficult. Having a few quality friendships rather than many shallow ones is OK. Embrace being the odd one out or someone who doesn’t conform to the norm. Authenticity feels much more fulfilling than conformity.”

“I try to be my most authentic self. I don’t have many friends, but at least I’m being true to myself. Eventually, I will find people who will love and appreciate me for who I am.”

“It is OK to be an introvert.”

“Communicate your needs, notice your boundaries, and don’t try to change yourself for others.”

Challenge #6: Prioritizing My Partner

Our partners are often our best friends, but 23% of respondents said that “prioritizing my partner” was their greatest relationship obstacle.

Solution: Designate Time

“Even when the day is busy, carve out 5 to 15 minutes before going to sleep to talk with your significant other.”

“My partner and I (we both have ADHD) have weekly check-ins where we touch base on how we are doing individually, as a couple, and if there are any ways we can support one another in meeting our goals. It also allows us to follow up on things we may have been putting off or need additional support. It has become an important time for connection and accountability in our relationship.”

“Every day, I actively and genuinely compliment my husband and, where appropriate, express my gratitude for his support of me. Secondly, every day, I do something for my husband without referring to it and without expecting any gratitude or thanks in return. These two actions have significantly improved our lives. Our relationship is closer and kinder.”

“Complete The Fair Play Deck: A Couple’s Conversation Deck for Prioritizing What’s Important (#CommissionsEarned) with your partner when relaxed and feeling good. It has helped me split the domestic load more equitably, pause resentments, and draw a direct line between stuff going on in my partner’s life and why something did or did not get done.”

How to Make Friends As an Adult with ADHD: Next Steps

• Celebrate Every Step! Join the Small Wins Appreciation Network
• Download: Small Wins That Add Up to Big Change!
• Read: 6 Ways to Build and Sustain Healthy Relationships in the New Year
• Read: Bad Texter? Worse Caller? 6 Ways to Rekindle Cold Friendships

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The sometimes unpredictable ebb and flow of people entering and leaving our lives may baffle us, triggering symptoms of rejection sensitive dysphoria, social anxiety, and loneliness. This is true for at least 20% of adults with ADHD, who said they were dissatisfied or extremely dissatisfied with their current relationships and friendships in a recent ADDitude survey. On the flip side, one-quarter of respondents reported satisfaction or extreme satisfaction with their partners and friends.

We asked respondents to share the strategies and resources they have used that could help other adults with ADHD build solid and healthy relationships. Read their responses below.

1. Build an App Habit

Dating and friendship apps made finding, strengthening, and maintaining connections possible for a subset of respondents.

“I started using the Marco Polo app to send little video messages to friends when I think about them or have something funny or interesting to share. We can view each other’s messages at our convenience. There’s no expectation of an immediate response or acknowledgment with the people I’m messaging.”

“I love the app Paired, but both people must use it for it to work. It creates space for really good conversations.”

“ADHD Dopamine Discord is great for connecting with other neurodivergent people.”

“Finch has helped me remember to reach out and calm my anxiety.”

“I have found several friends through Bumble.”

“WhatsApp makes keeping in touch with friends much easier.”

“The Peanut App lets me find friends in the past.”

“Meetup.com has helped me a lot in making local friends.”

“It’s fun to play with friends from afar on Board Game Arena.”

“I set task reminders to reach out to people on Todoist.”

“eHarmony helped me find my husband 21 years ago.”

2. Educate Yourself

“Books and podcasts have helped me to understand things like RSD and how my ADHD affects my relationships.”

“FOREPLAY Radio: Couples & Sex Therapy podcast  is a great podcast for relationships, especially how to be in a relationship with someone who is neurodivergent.”

“I listen to The Jefferson Fisher podcast. His techniques are easy to use, as he breaks down methods that work in various social interactions.”

“The We Can Do Hard Things podcast normalizes feelings and experiences.”

“Your ADHD Besties podcast is great because its content is made by people with ADHD.”

“Spotify has many podcasts that discuss navigating adult friendships and relationships, like the ADHD Chatter podcast and BigDatingEnergy with Jeff Guenther (Therapy Jeff).”

“The Imperfects podcast helps me feel less alone and different.”

“The Secure Love Podcast: Real Time Couples Therapy with Julie Menanno is great for couples and even includes homework!”

[Get This Free Download: The ADHD Friendship Guide for Adults]

3. Maintain Treatment

One-quarter of survey respondents said regular use of prescribed ADHD medication helped with their friendships and relationships, compared to 12% who said it did not (nearly 20% were unsure if it helped).

“Medication has changed my life socially and emotionally.”

“I wait to take my meds until about two hours before doing something with others. This puts me at my most optimal state.”

“ADHD medication has significantly decreased my RSD, and I can be rational rather than sitting in negative emotions and ruminating.”

“If we are meeting up with people in an especially noisy setting and I anticipate needing to focus on multiple conversations or people, it is imperative that I take my ADHD medication.”

“ADHD medication has mostly erased my social anxiety and fear of public speaking, so it is now manageable.”

4. Enlist Professional Help

Several respondents attributed the relationship success to the services of an in-person or online licensed couples therapist (6%), family therapist (6%), or ADHD coach (2%).

“If you have the resources, go to therapy. Understanding myself better has made it easier to be in a relationship and not fall victim to avoiding conflict or ignoring my comfort.”

“My ADHD coaching group helps me to feel less alone.”

“Therapist. Therapist. Therapist.”

“DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) talks about interpersonal skills. I’m not sure it got me where I need to go, but it did break things down so I could better understand my triggers.”

“Coaching has helped me deal with RSD. Previously, RSD prevented me from contacting friends because I found it too difficult if they did not respond or did not agree to meet up.

[Read: Birds of a Feather — the Joy of Neurodivergent Friendships]

5. Lean On Loved Ones

Nearly 20% of respondents reported that their spouses, family members, and friends supported and fostered their relationships and friendships.

“My husband and I have open conversations and support one another when we struggle.”

“I have a long-term partner who understands/gets me, and we have mutual respect in our partnership.”

“During the final session of my ADHD support group, the co-leader spoke with our significant others. That was a wake-up call for my spouse. He became much more willing to make adjustments to help me cope. Also, he stopped equating my (frequent) hyperfocus with my ‘deliberately’ ignoring him (never).”

“We have a division of labor based on our strengths. My neurotypical husband does most of the daily, boring stuff, and I take care of most purchases, planning trips, crises, etc.”

6. Sign Up

Ten percent of survey respondents relied on social clubs or organizations (in-person or online) to maintain and foster their relationships.

“Ask your friends what they do regularly, then join them. One great way that I’ve found to spend time with friends is to go to their kids’ sporting events. You can support the kids and usually get a chance to chat with your friends! Or go grocery shopping together. Or walk at the gym together.”

“Connect with people as part of a hobby (e.g., join a running club, tennis club, art club, etc.). Activities that bring out my authentic self help me feel more comfortable and ‘in my element.’”

“I started doing improv classes (in-person and online). It has been a great source of community for me and provides an opportunity to exercise my creativity and spontaneity.”

“I try to accept invitations from friends to do things whenever possible, even if it’s something I wouldn’t otherwise do. They put themselves out there to invite me, and I want to honor that. Spending regular time together is important for strengthening relationships.”

“I started playing pickleball and joined the local Lions Club.”

“Get involved at church or another house of worship. Every time I commit to a ministry or group, I meet another great person or several.”

“I ‘stumbled’ into a group of people who dearly care and are committed to animals in need in our urban environment, specifically, but not only, homeless cats. This started more than six years ago, and I cannot envision my life without them (people and animals). Helping the animals and my ‘animal friends’ has moved me out of passivity, reclusion, and self-pity numerous times.”

7. Practice Acceptance

“I am coming to a place of acceptance that not everyone will understand me, and if they choose not to be in a relationship with me, that is okay and not personal.”

“If people want to be weird, flaky, dislike, or disrespect you, let them. You can’t control them, but you can control what you do about it. Don’t try to change them.”

“Treat others the way you want to be treated. Practice empathy daily. Police judgment of others and especially of yourself. Learn to love yourself first.”

“Remember that a friendship is not just something you have; it’s something you do. Relationships take effort. The more you put in, the more you get out.”

“Learn about and maintain personal boundaries; don’t compare your relationships to the perceived relationships of others.”

“Remember that any relationship is a two-way street. If I keep my side clean by communicating semi-regularly, listening as much (or more) than I’m speaking, and admitting mistakes when they arise, I am doing my part.”

ADHD and Healthy Relationships: Next Steps

• Free Download: Get A Grip On Tough Emotions
• Read: The Path to Adult Friendship, Demystified — From Acquaintance to Friend
• Self-Test: “Is My Relationship Toxic?” A Quiz for Adults with ADHD
• Read: Making Relationships Work
• Read: Is Your ADHD Causing Social Slip-Ups?
  

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I admire your desire to approach this topic with kindness. First thing’s first: Any conversation about your friend should take place in person, not over text, to avoid things getting lost in translation and worsening her rejection sensitivity.

When you do broach the subject, continue to lead with kindness. Say, “Hey, I’ve been trying to educate myself about neurodiversity, and I recently learned about oversharing.” This may open the floor for your friend to talk about her own relationship to oversharing and whether she feels she struggles with it. If she does talk about it, you can follow up with, “What can we do together to figure this out? What would help you?” A collaborative approach will help your friend feel supported, not judged.

[Get This Free Download: The ADHD Friendship Guide for Adults]

It’s important to not make your friend — or anyone, for that matter — feel like oversharing is a dealbreaker. That would be unfair, and whether it’s oversharing or another challenge, no one is perfect. Everyone has something or is working on something. There is no benefit to making anyone feel bad about their ‘somethings.’

Beyond oversharing, consider your friend’s strengths and what makes them friendship material — their good nature, supportiveness, honesty, non-judgmental attitude, reciprocity, and other qualities. Take a look at your friend as a whole, and you may find that oversharing isn’t really a big deal at all.

ADHD Oversharing: Next Steps

• Read: “Oversharing Is My Default Mode. So Is the RSD-Induced Shame I Feel Afterward.”
• Read: “The Gift of a Friend Who Requires No Explanations, No Excuses”
• Read: “All My Friends Are Neurodivergent — and Wonderful”

The content for this article was derived from the ADDitude ADHD Experts webinar titled, “Oversharing and Underinvesting: The Social Traps That Snare ADHD Adults” [Video Replay & Podcast #496] with Caroline Maguire, M.Ed., ACCG, PCC, which was broadcast on March 14, 2024.

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

The lag in her social skills — not uncommon among individuals with ADHD — made for rough going during her first semester in college. She started strong in planned group activities but floundered once they ended. A bout with COVID and the stress of a rigorous course load compounded her isolation, and by the time Willa came home for winter break, she was pretty miserable.

Something had to change. I couldn’t bear to see my sweet kid so unhappy at her first-choice college, a perfect-for-her place full of like-minded kids who could be her besties.

Why Friendships Are Hard to Foster

Follow-through was the primary issue for Willa. She’d enjoy lunch with a group but lose track of where they’d head next. She’d have a great conversation with someone but fail to get their name or number. Or she’d let weeks go by without reaching out to a cool kid she’d met. She was constantly starting back at square one, which was exhausting and nerve-wracking.

What Willa needed was continuity — the opportunity to build on new connections so they could blossom into nourishing relationships in which she felt at ease. So I came up with a plan – a game I call Friendship Bingo.

[Get This Free Download: The ADHD Guide to Making Friends]

Friendship Bingo, Explained

Willa and I made a list of potential friends she had met during the first semester. Her mission for the next semester was to find various ways to connect with each of them several times over a week, from dinners and walks back from class to study sessions. The idea was that stacking multiple interactions with someone within a short span of time would make Willa feel solid enough to relax and be her charming self.

We aimed for three outside-of-class-or-club interactions per week. Two could be dining hall meals, the easiest opportunity for hanging out, but one had to be something else — anything unstructured and social. And we agreed that, over the course of several weeks, Willa would try this with different people, to give herself options in case she didn’t vibe with someone.

The “bingo card” she ended up with looked something like this:

Friend	Week 1, Meal 1	Week 1, Meal 2	Other Hangout	Bonus Hangouts
Hannah
Finn
Isobel			!	!
Tye			!	!
Summer

The chart appealed to Willa’s love of spreadsheets and data and made it easy to see and celebrate wins. It also made it clear with whom Willa was undeniably becoming real friends.

In Willa’s Words: Friendship Bingo Works

I was initially doubtful about Friendship Bingo. I was anxious about “failing” the goals and uncertain I would make progress. But I was proven wrong – it was amazing how quickly Friendship Bingo showed meaningful results.

[Read: Making Friends in College – a Buddy System]

1. Most People Say Yes

I started small, texting people and asking if they wanted to eat together. Sometimes they responded, “Sorry, I have other plans” or, “Sorry, I have homework,” and I had to work to reel my rejection-sensitive brain back from “THEY HATE ME.” But more often than not, people said yes, and that felt good! And the more meals I ate with different groups, the better I was able to determine who I enjoyed spending time with.

2. My Social Battery Doesn’t Deplete So Fast

Most importantly, Friendship Bingo helped me expand my capacity for socializing. The game encourages constant practice, which made socializing feel more natural, as I was able to spend longer periods with people without feeling tired or overstimulated.

3. Making Friends Doesn’t Feel Like a Mystery Anymore

Friendship Bingo was a stroke of genius because it hit on two things that are crucial for me: 1) specific goals, and 2) a gamified system to help me reach those goals. The game demystified friendships for me, making the process feel less like a mysterious labyrinth to navigate and more like a formula of repeated (but manageable) social encounters and effort that I could track.

The real breakthrough came a few weeks into the game, when I went to brunch with two people with whom I’d been regularly hanging out One of them mentioned visiting the woods behind the school, and I spontaneously went along! After that, we made our way into town for bubble tea, where another friend joined, and we all stopped by a comic book store before heading back to campus. It was a solid half-day of unplanned, unstructured social time, the longest I’d had since starting college. And it felt incredible.

Those three people I spent that successful day with went on to become my best friends. We eat dinner together regularly, text each other over school breaks, have a standing Dungeons & Dragons campaign, and cheer each other up when we’re stressed. It’s made a world of difference to my confidence and happiness to have these close friendships.

How to Make Friends in College: Next Steps

• Get This Free Download: Become a Small-Talk Superstar
• Read: The College Survival Guide for Students with ADHD
• Read: The Art of Forming Friendships

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

It’s a question I throw at the end of coaching sessions with my clients. I stole the question from the Coursera version of Yale’s most popular class ever, “The Science of Well-Being,” led by Laurie Santos, Ph.D. In this course, you’re tasked with writing down the things for which you’re grateful every day for a week.

Why Is Gratitude Important

The idea is two-fold. One, it breaks you out of negativity traps by training you to focus on and acknowledge the real good in your life, which helps you develop a positive outlook. Two, if you recall the things you’re grateful for in detail, your brain thinks it’s experiencing them again — so you’ll have multitudes of goodness in you.

[Read: ADHD and the Power of Positive Thinking]

Gratitude is an essential practice for those of us with ADHD, as we often harbor a nagging assumption that we’re less than. The extended logic is that because we are less than, we must have crappy lives – a self-defeating cycle that doesn’t make our lives any easier.

But we’re not less than. Our lives are full of beauty that we often don’t acknowledge. Noting the good around us and within us is a type of reality check that sparks awareness, acceptance, balance, and happiness.

If you’re looking for ways to practice gratitude in your life, try this fun exercise with friends and family. Propose that everyone join in on this gratitude game at your next gathering.

How to Practice Gratitude: A Group Gratitude Exercise

1. Gather a group of people together — around the Thanksgiving table, in the living room, at the beach, in the car during a long drive. Whatever works.

[Read: For to Log Daily Victories for Your Family]

2. Take turns answering the following questions.

• What’s one thing you’re grateful for in your life? (This could be your whole life or just this past week.)
• What are you grateful for about each person in this group?
• What are you grateful for about yourself?
• What are you grateful for about the natural world?
• What was your favorite answer that each person gave?

Each person should take the time they need to formulate an answer and should wait for others to formulate theirs. Go where your heart leads and have fun with it. Be chill. (I view this exercise as a game, though this is very different from the cutthroat card tournaments I played with my extended family growing up, where being chill was never an asset.) Beyond this one-time activity, make gratitude a daily practice in your life. Challenge yourself, in particular, to reflect on the positive aspects of your neurodivergence.

How to Practice Gratitude: Next Steps

• Free Download: Bonding Activity Ideas for ADHD Families
• Read: The Key to ADHD Emotional Regulation? Cultivating Gratitude, Pride & Compassion
• Read: “The ADHD Characteristics I’m Most Thankful for Are…”

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

If you’re a mom who has it all figured out, with a clean and tidy house, and clean and tidy children who do their homework on time with no prodding, and you prepare elegant meals that Martha Stewart would envy, after a full day of work, congratulations. This webinar is not for you.

If you’re a mom with ADHD, and you feel overwhelmed by the daily chaos of getting kids off to school, managing piles of clutter, planning meals, and juggling household chores with after-school activities, doctor appointments, and more — regardless of whether you work outside the home — then you won’t want to miss this event. ADHD expert, psychotherapist, and author Terry Matlen, LMSW, will provide working and stay-at-home moms with practical tools and strategies to improve their day-to-day life.

• About the societal expectations that push women to demonstrate good executive functioning and the emotional impact on mothers with ADHD
• How to battle disorganization, procrastination, sensory overload, and more
• How to change and reframe internal and external expectations
• How to problem-solve as a family
• How to better manage your time and help your children improve their own time management
• About the importance of self-care

Watch the Video Replay

Enter your email address in the box above labeled “Video Replay + Slide Access” to watch the video replay (closed captions available) and download the slide presentation.

Motherhood & ADHD: More Resources

• Download: Parenting Guide for Caregivers with ADHD
• Read: 13 Survival Strategies for Moms with ADHD
• Read: “Today, We Will Give Ourselves Grace.”
• eBook: Women with ADHD — How Hormones, Symptoms & Late Diagnoses Impact Females

Obtain a Certificate of Attendance

If you attended the live webinar on December 17, 2024, watched the video replay, or listened to the podcast, you may purchase a certificate of attendance option (cost: $10). Note: ADDitude does not offer CEU credits. Click here to purchase the certificate of attendance option »

Meet the Expert Speaker

Terry Matlen, LMSW, is a psychotherapist, consultant and author of the award-winning book, The Queen of Distraction and Survival Tips for Women with AD/HD. (#CommissionsEarned) She runs www.ADDconsults.com, an online resource serving women with ADHD, and www.PowerfulWomenWithADHD.com, an online community for women with ADHD looking for connection and skill building.

With over 25 years of experience helping women with ADHD, Terry has written hundreds of articles for various publications. She served for many years on the board of directors of ADDA and is immediate past coordinator of the E. Oakland County Chapter in Michigan. Terry can be reached at terry@ADDconsults.com.

#CommissionsEarned As an Amazon Associate, ADDitude earns a commission from qualifying purchases made by ADDitude readers on the affiliate links we share. However, all products linked in the ADDitude Store have been independently selected by our editors and/or recommended by our readers. Prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.

Webinar Sponsor

The sponsor of this ADDitude webinar is…

Feeling the weight of ADHD while managing work and family life? The mental load can be exhausting, but there’s a way to lighten it.

Play Attention, inspired by NASA technology and backed by Tufts University research, is designed to strengthen executive function and improve focus, memory, and emotion regulation. With the help of a personal focus coach, you’ll gain the tools to handle life’s challenges with confidence. Learn how you can improve executive function in just 10 minutes a day. Schedule a consultation or take our ADHD test. Call 828-676-2240. www.playattention.com

ADDitude thanks our sponsors for supporting our webinars. Sponsorship has no influence on speaker selection or webinar content.

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The ADHD tendencies to feel emotions deeply and people-please are partly at work here. You’re a great listener because you’re empathetic and you care. You take it upon yourself to heal others’ wounds and make them feel better. Past social challenges and experiences with rejection may have made you more inclined to let anyone into your life, even those who drain you. No matter the reason, here are strategies for setting boundaries.

Is It All About Them?

Not everyone who vents or overshares is toxic. But a pattern of one-sidedness and lack of reciprocity could indicate that it is not worth entering into or continuing a relationship with someone. How does the person respond, for example, when you open up about yourself? Do they redirect the conversation back to themselves, or do they care about what you have to say and give you the space to share? When you change topics to a shared interest, are they receptive to it, or does the subject end up going back to them? Be aware of other early red flags to help you determine if someone is truly toxic or simply opening up to you (and giving you permission to do the same). Use this friendship red flags exercise to guide you.

[Is Your Friendship Toxic? Take This Quiz to Find Out]

Don’t Fear Silence

You note that you’re an ‘overhearer.’ Could it be that you unintentionally encourage others to dominate the conversation to fill in gaps? Practice being comfortable in silence, even if it feels awkward. Sometimes, a simple acknowledgment like, “That sounds tough,” without probing further, can be enough. You can also say, “I’m not sure what to say next.” Pauses can give you a moment to collect your thoughts and can signal to the other person that it’s their turn to listen.

Set Rules for Yourself

Think about how long and how much you need to know someone before you’ll give your time and attention to them. What do you need to see from them in terms of reciprocity?

When someone is venting, pause to consider if you really want to engage deeply and how you’ll practice assertiveness to balance the conversation.

Emotionally Draining People: Friendship Resources

• Get This Free Download: The ADHD Friendship Guide for Adults
• Read: 10 Covert Signs of a Toxic Friend
• Read: The ADHD Guide to Naturally Flowing, ‘Normal’ Conversations

The content for this article was derived from the ADDitude ADHD Experts webinar titled, “Oversharing and Underinvesting: The Social Traps That Snare ADHD Adults [Video Replay & Podcast #496] with Caroline Maguire, M.Ed., ACCG, PCC, which was broadcast on March 14, 2024.

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Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

ADHD gives me plenty of skills I can model for my kids, but good frustration tolerance isn’t one of them. I can make up silly songs on demand, but I’m rubbish at remaining unruffled when my 6-year-old’s temper flares.

My younger child is a lovable ball of brightness, kindness, and fun, but many things short her circuit and invoke her iron will, from unsolicited carrots to socks that won’t reach their requisite height.

She might well be neurodivergent herself. (We’re waiting in line for assessment.) But whatever the root of her proneness to grievance, it feels like we’re peas in a pod. My patience is apt to desert me the second she loses hers.

There are things I can give her directly to help her stay grounded and happy: empathy, boundaries, nutritious meals, plenty of nourishing cuddles, choice where possible, my fullest attention, the conscious uncoupling of me and my phone. But kids need a stable, consistent caregiver who they can watch and copy. If I can’t manage my own frustration, how will she ever handle hers?

Modeling Calm When Anger Strikes

I’ve been thinking a lot about how to model calm when it counts, and it strikes me that there are two things I need to nail if things are to be less shouty around here.

[Get This Free Download: 5 Ways to Improve Emotional Control at Home]

1. Meeting my own needs first

Most of what gives me balance is basic. Exercise, fresh air, and eating well. Walking up hills and through parks. Pilates and painting and learning new things. Time with no screens or voices to allow me to drift and dream.

They’re simple remedies, but my mental health slides if I fail to give them priority. Luckily, my partner has his own list too, so we tag-team to tick off as much as we can.

2. Keeping my cool in the moment

Much harder to master is the consistent deployment of effective strategies when my daughter digs her heels in.

When my child gets stuck in an emotional vortex, reason cannot reach her. I know how that feels myself and I’m often inclined to join her. But some recent therapy has helped me to see that I do have a choice in the moment. I can either hop aboard the resentment express and trot out a pointless monologue that spikes my cortisol and guarantees escalation. Or I can pause and make a conscious decision about how I’d like to proceed.

It’s not easy. The stress in my body is physical and real. I feel it in my chest and my neck. My ears ring and my heart races. But there are ways of letting it go. I can notice the tightness and relax the tension. My mind will often follow. I can focus on breathing more slowly and deeply (if I’m actually breathing at all). I can silently soothe myself in the tone of a grown-up who knows this will pass. When I pull it off, I’m not faking or in toxic denial. I just feel a lot more balanced and able to ride out the storm.

[Read: When Angry Kids Lash Out – How to Defuse Explosive Reactions]

Modeling Calm – Putting Techniques to the Test

I get a chance to deploy my new tactics in the art of non-reaction on a Saturday, when we fancy a walk in the woods. The little one won’t get dressed, of course. Weekends are for lying down, she declares, as she burrows under our duvet, tucking it in around her to secure her fortress against potential incursion.

We could be here a while, I think. Last week we aborted completely. I implore her to put on some clothes. She kicks off the covers and thrashes around, emitting a grating whine. My chest tightens, my heart rate quickens, and I want to launch into my lecture.

But I stop. I breathe. I remember that calm breeds calm and that staying centred will help us both. She performs a series of loud exhalations, but I say to her softly that we’re leaving. Voices do not get raised. I exit the room and in minutes she’s clothed and skipping out to the van.

She briefly objects to my offensive plan to take a jacket just in case. But I let it wash over me and it burns out fast. Off we go in peace.

The same trick works on Tuesday when I commit a transgression with celery and she CANNOT EAT THIS LASAGNA (she does) and again on Friday when it puts to bed a debate over whether jellybeans constitute breakfast (they don’t).

Modeling Calm, One Little Test at a Time

There are blips involving poached eggs and car seats. I’m tired and hormonal and late – and I yell. But part of my internal deal is that I’m kind to myself when I fail. Improvement is still improvement if it’s only some of the time.

I’m buoyed by how things are going. My girl is more flexible and she’s proud of herself when she lets things go. I’m feeling quite proud of me, too.

So maybe I can crack this. Maybe soon I’ll add “measured response to frustration” to the list of things I can pass to my children. It’s not as fun as singing ditties about teachers or toilets, but it’s arguably a more essential skill that will serve them well in life.

How to Be a Calm Parent: Next Steps

• Read: ADHD and Emotional Regulation – A Parent’s Guide
• Free Download: Get a Grip on Tough Emotions
• Read: “Our Home Can’t Withstand All of These Emotional ADHD Explosions!”

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Lead with Your Heart

Stick to talking about your passions. With an interest-based brain, you’ll be able to put your best foot forward — and see if you really zing with someone — when you focus on what excites you. If you’re into horror films, for example, share that with your date and see how they respond. You may learn that horror isn’t their thing, but true crime podcasts are. (And that’s how the conversation keeps going and stays somewhat on track.)

LIVE WEBINAR ON NOV. 7: CONSCIOUS DATING WITH ADHD
Register for this free webinar and get an opportunity to ask your questions about dating. Plus, get the replay link to share.

Establish Clear Boundaries

Whether regarding first dates or small talk with colleagues and acquaintances, set clear rules for yourself about what you will and will not discuss. Consider these topics off limits:

• body fluids and functions
• odor and hygiene
• sexual history
• money
• medical history
• traumatic events and family histories

[Get This Free Download: Become a Small-Talk Superstar]

Devise Handy Summarizing Scripts

If you know that you’re prone to divulging too much information on a sensitive topic, like your rocky relationship with your parents, come up with a few phrases that satisfactorily capture the situation, like “I have difficult parents” or “I come from a challenging family.” These phrases say a lot, minus the details, which you’ll have a chance to share with your date if you do grow closer to them.

Bring It Back with a Laugh

Humor is fantastic for pivoting conversations when you realize you’re oversharing. Say, “Wow, I have had a lot of coffee today!” or “I definitely went down the rabbit hole there. Can we go back to what you were talking about?”

How to Not Overshare: Next Steps

• Get the eBook! The ADHD Relationship Guide
• Read: “5 Things I Learned from First Dates”
• Read: Dating Advice & Strategies for Adults with ADHD

The content for this article was derived from the ADDitude ADHD Experts webinar titled, “Oversharing and Underinvesting: The Social Traps That Snare ADHD Adults” [Video Replay & Podcast #496] with Caroline Maguire, M.Ed., ACCG, PCC, which was broadcast on March 14, 2024.

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

My 9-year-old son has always been a firework, from the very second of his surprise existence. If my pregnancy test could have displayed two zigzags instead of straight lines, it would have.

He has never followed the path well-trodden. Instead, he has swung from the trees shadowing its path, spinning and tumbling over it like a Ferris wheel free from its hinges. His brain is always busy. It darts and daydreams and never tells him to sit, breathe, and just be.

“I was the same as him when I was a kid,” my husband would say. “He’s just a little boy.”

He often spoke of marked similarities between them, and we thought our son had simply inherited a huge slice of his father’s personality. That this was just “them.” So we attributed his behaviors to that – a child who was beautifully energetic. If he wasn’t spinning or cartwheeling, he was singing or asking questions or making funny little noises. The only time he really rested was when he slept, when dreams took over and his compulsion to “fizz,” as he calls it, quelled.

Father and Son: Drawing ADHD Parallels

Analyzing my child’s behavior, helicoptering his nuances and traits, and researching “ADHD in children” until there was nothing left to Google came easy. Turning the lens to my husband, on the other hand, was trickier.

My husband flitted from job to job, struggled to prioritize, became easily frustrated with any task, and was unfocused. But we had gone through a fair chunk of sadness in the last few years — the death of one of our other sons, the loss of parents, our 9-year-old’s meningitis battle when he was a baby. I put my husband’s erratic nature down to stress and trauma.

[Read: “Let Me Tell You How ADHD Runs in My Family”]

All the while, the phone calls from my son’s exasperated teacher mounted, as did the sense that my son’s behaviors in school and at home were indicative of something bigger.

My mother-in-law was a special education teacher for many years. The more I called her to analyze my little boy’s behavior, the more parallels she’d draw between him and my husband. Eventually, the constant joke that they were two peas in a pod became a lightbulb moment for me. I made an appointment with an ADHD specialist – for my son and husband. Sure enough, after a careful evaluation, the specialist diagnosed both of them with ADHD in the same appointment. Their test scores were practically identical, she noted.

Like Father, Like Son

“How do you feel?” the specialist asked my son. She sat next to him on the floor as he clicked LEGOs together and bounced on his knees.

“Exhausted” he said. And my heart sank. Exhausted by trying to concentrate in school and being told off constantly, exhausted by coming home to homework cajoling, exhausted for being reprimanded for his impatience and other behaviors at the outskirts of his control.

[Read: “My ADHD Family Tree — Three Generations of Neurodivergence Revealed”]

I saw my husband’s face crumble a little as he knew that feeling all too well. And I realized that, as a wife and mother, I had failed them. To me, their behaviors were annoying, frustrating, and sometimes inexplicable. I had often said to my son, “Why is it always you? Why are you the one who always gets into trouble?” I sometimes dreamed of an easier marriage to a man who would stick at a job or for a man who would actually listen to me. I had no idea what either of them were going through. It was an incredibly emotional day for everyone.

We walked out of the specialist’s room with a deeper understanding of each other and a feeling that we can all start to be our truer selves.

Our ADHD Family

We’ve only recently entered the neurodivergent universe. We’re perched on a circling satellite looking into a place where words like “disorder,” “impulsivity,” and “disorganization” zoom by. But it’s other zooming words that captivate us — “spontaneity,” “creativity,” “courage.” We are going to run with these as fast as we can.

We’re not alone in entering this universe. We see many other families embarking on this journey, too. Some days we think we have a firm grasp on ADHD – and some days we don’t. And that’s OK, because all we can do is buckle up so the twists and turns don’t jolt the ones we love quite so much.

I would not change my son or husband for anything. We’ll bundle up all of the positives and challenges, stick them into our family jetpack, and navigate the steps, bounces, stumbles, and freefalls of this shared diagnosis together.

ADHD Family Ties: Next Steps

• Get This Free Download: ADHD Empowerment Month Calendar
• Read: 5 Ways to Build Bonds – A Guide for ADHD Dads
• Read: Helping Your Kids Find the “Awesome” in ADHD

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Dating fires up the dopamine that ADHD brains crave. Developing a relationship is new, exciting, and sometimes all-consuming — all of which can create elation and/or a perfect storm for ADHD traits like impulsivity, emotional sensitivity, and hyperfocus to ignite a fire. In this webinar, we’ll explore the complexities of online dating profiles and connections, first meetings, and the early stages of relationships — and introduce the process of mindful, conscious dating.

Join Master Certified Relationship Coach Amie Leadingham as we delve into dating apps, and learn why impulsivity, novelty-seeking, and people-pleasing can draw people with ADHD to prospects who appear to be risk-takers but not ideal partners. You’ll learn the importance of presenting your authentic self, setting healthy boundaries, and recognizing potential red flags. This isn’t just about finding love. It’s about embracing who you are on the road to discovering the healthy relationship you deserve.

In this webinar, you will learn:

• Strategies for creating an effective online dating profile that showcases your authentic self
• How to identify potential red flags and read between the lines in other people’s profiles
• Guidance on navigating common dating scenarios, including love bombing, impulsivity, and ghosting
• Techniques for setting and maintaining healthy boundaries

Watch the Video Replay

Enter your email address in the box above labeled “Video Replay + Slide Access” to watch the video replay (closed captions available) and download the slide presentation.

Download or Stream the Podcast Audio

Click the play button below to listen to this episode directly in your browser, click the symbol to download to listen later, or open in your podcasts app: Apple Podcasts; Audacy; Spotify; Amazon Music; iHeartRADIO

Dating with ADHD: More Resources

• Download: Understanding Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
• Q&A: “What Are the Signs of a Controlling Relationship?”
• Read: The First Rule of Dating with ADHD
• eBook: The ADHD Relationship Guide

Obtain a Certificate of Attendance

If you attended the live webinar on November 7, 2024, watched the video replay, or listened to the podcast, you may purchase a certificate of attendance option (cost: $10). Note: ADDitude does not offer CEU credits. Click here to purchase the certificate of attendance option »

Meet the Expert Speaker

Amie Leadingham is a Master Certified Relationship Coach, author, wife, and mother of two amazing pugs. Her mission is to help singles find lasting love by conscious dating. She was named one of LA’s “Best Dating Coaches” and has been featured in a variety of media outlets including the CBS Network, Fox 5 News, LA Times, People Entertainment, Oprah Daily, Cosmopolitan, Newsweek, and more. Her mission is to empower singles to heal past programming, build self-confidence, and find a loving, genuine connection.

Listener Testimonials

“As someone who was diagnosed one year ago and has struggled with choosing the wrong relationships, this was helpful. I appreciate the speaker, Amie, as well as the questions at the end. Thanks!”

“I really appreciated the slow, clear, and thorough pace of the webinar. Thank you.”

“Enjoyed the discussion and Amie’s delivery of the concepts. I found this really easy to understand, and she was highly relatable.”

Webinar Sponsor

The sponsor of this ADDitude webinar is….

Managing relationships with ADHD can be challenging, and advice like “just communicate better” or “just be more organized” often falls short. That’s why we created Inflow, a tool to help you navigate relationships while living with ADHD. Developed by leading ADHD clinicians, Inflow uses science-backed principles to help you better understand your ADHD, improve communication, and strengthen your connections with others. Take the ADHD self-assessment today to kick off your Inflow journey.

ADDitude thanks our sponsors for supporting our webinars. Sponsorship has no influence on speaker selection or webinar content.

Follow ADDitude’s full ADHD Experts Podcast in your podcasts app:
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Do you ever feel so wrecked by a critique or comment from your partner that you can’t seem to recover for days? Or do you feel silenced and stuck because your partner interprets any constructive feedback as disapproval, and reacts in the extremes?

ADHD complicates relationships on its own, but adding rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) to the equation almost always amplifies the strife. RSD describes unbearable, painful feelings related to a real or a perceived rejection, and the ensuing belief that people will pull back their love and support. This heightened sensitivity intensifies reactions to the natural ups and downs of relationships and increases interpersonal conflict, hostility, and hurt. It can be very complicated for couples to manage conflict, discuss delicate subjects, and process emotions successfully.

In this webinar, Dr. Sharon Saline will show you how to manage the special challenges that arise in relationships touched by RSD and ADHD. You will learn how to navigate the thorny path of RSD in relationships and shift toxic patterns to healthier interactions. She’ll teach you how both partners can better regulate and handle challenging conversations with less blame, negativity, and over-personalizing while fostering connection and closeness. Dr. Saline will offer concrete strategies for making repairs, creating effective bids for connection, using collaboration for disagreements, and improving relational empathy. You will leave with practical tools to listen and reduce reactivity.

In this webinar, you will learn…

1. How rejection sensitivity dysphoria works and manifests in adults
2. How RSD impacts relationships and creates special challenges
3. Effective strategies for coping with typical patterns of conflict in couples
4. How to reduce reactivity and improve communication with greater empathy

Watch the Video Replay

Enter your email address in the box above labeled “Video Replay + Slide Access” to watch the video replay (closed captions available) and download the slide presentation.

Download or Stream the Podcast Audio

Click the play button below to listen to this episode directly in your browser, click the  symbol to download to listen later, or open in your podcasts app: Apple Podcasts; Audacy; Spotify; Amazon Music; iHeartRADIO 

RSD in Relationships: More Resources

• Download: Understanding Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
• Replay: Strategies for Managing Your Sensitivities in Real Time
• Self-Test: RSD Symptoms Checklist
• Read: You Are Enough — Counteracting Imposter Syndrome, Perfectionism, & RSD
• eBook: The Emotions of ADHD

Obtain a Certificate of Attendance

If you attended the live webinar on October 9, 2024, watched the video replay, or listened to the podcast, you may purchase a certificate of attendance option (cost: $10). Note: ADDitude does not offer CEU credits. Click here to purchase the certificate of attendance option »

Meet the Expert Speaker

Sharon Saline, Psy.D., clinical psychologist and author of the award-winning book, What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew: Working Together to Empower Kids for Success in School and Life and The ADHD Solution Deck, specializes in working with children, teens, emerging adults and families living with ADHD, anxiety, learning disabilities, autism, twice exceptionalism, and mental health issues. (#CommissionsEarned) She lectures and facilitates workshops internationally on topics such as understanding ADHD, executive functioning, anxiety, motivation, different kinds of learners, and the teen brain. Dr. Saline is a regular contributor to ADDitudemag.com, among many other leading publications.

Learn more at www.drsharonsaline.com.

#CommissionsEarned As an Amazon Associate, ADDitude earns a commission from qualifying purchases made by ADDitude readers on the affiliate links we share. However, all products linked in the ADDitude Store have been independently selected by our editors and/or recommended by our readers. Prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.

Listener Testimonials

“Really impressed with the content and how slick this production was! Thank you so much.”

“I have been with my partner for 25 years, and we’ve only just been diagnosed with ADHD. The webinar gave us hope.”

“I appreciated the ‘tricks’ to think about and try out when in the middle of a reaction.”

“Outstanding. Dr. Saline was excellent, both in substance and presentation.”

Webinar Sponsor

The sponsor of this ADDitude webinar is…

Play Attention: Are your relationships being impacted by ADHD and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)? We can help. Play Attention, inspired by NASA technology and backed by Tufts University research, is designed to strengthen executive function, helping you manage these emotional complexities. Take our ADHD test or schedule a consultation to discover how Play Attention can support you in creating more balanced and harmonious interactions. Call 828-676-2240 or visit www.playattention.com.

ADDitude thanks our sponsors for supporting our webinars. Sponsorship has no influence on speaker selection or webinar content.

Follow ADDitude’s full ADHD Experts Podcast in your podcasts app:
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Play | Amazon Music | RadioPublic | Pocket Casts | iHeartRADIO | Audacy

If you are trying to convince a loved one to get evaluated and/or to start treatment for ADHD, you already know the conversations can be frustrating and the decision is theirs alone. You can’t force a loved one to accept help, but you can lovingly nudge them in the right direction.

1. Start with shared experiences

Since you mention that you have ADHD, it may help to talk to your mother about your own symptoms and the experiences that led to your diagnosis. Ask if any of your experiences or challenges resonate with her. You can start to bridge the gap by sharing commonalities.

[Get This Free Download: ADHD in Older Adults]

2. Frame it as an opportunity

Even if your mother concedes to having symptoms, she may say, “What’s the point of getting diagnosed? I’ve lived this long without being treated.” To that, you can say, “If there were a way that your memory, forgetfulness, emotions, and overall functioning could improve, would you want to take the opportunity to explore it?” Another way to frame it: “If you had poor vision, would you try glasses to help you see better?”

If your mother agrees, then you’ve identified a common goal, which is crucial in negotiating. A possible small next step is to ask your mother, “If improving your memory is a goal of yours, can I get you to see this clinician who’s an expert in memory and cognition and see what they have to say?” (You may want to avoid saying “an expert in ADHD” since older people tend to only associate ADHD with children. It’s best to cite the symptoms the doctor can treat to increase buy-in.) This may have to happen over multiple conversations before you see results.

It helps to keep in mind that people generally don’t seek help for symptoms. Rather, we seek help when we experience distressing impairments that affect daily life, whether we see it or if it’s pointed out by others. If you frame discussions around how your mom may be suffering unnecessarily rather than on symptoms, she may be more open to seeking help.

3. Change your own perspective

If your mother still refuses to seek evaluation or treatment, then it’s time to focus your efforts on what you can control. If you are convinced that your mother has ADHD, then you don’t have to wait for a formal diagnosis to help her manage her symptoms and have more productive interactions with her. If you know your mother is forgetful, then rely on written information and reminders to help jog her memory. Expect your mother to show up late to events if she struggles with time management.

[Read: The Transformative Power of an ADHD Diagnosis for Older Women]

No matter the problem, don’t say, “Mom, why can’t you do this?!” Simply operate under the assumption that your mother has untreated ADHD, a condition that causes impairments and difficulty with functioning, and is doing the best she can.

My Mom Has ADHD: Resources on ADD in Older Adults

• Read: The Transformative Power of an ADHD Diagnosis for Older Women
• Read: ADHD in Older Adults — Distinct Diagnostic and Treatment Considerations
• Read: “I’m Newly Diagnosed at 90 — and So Thankful”

The content for this article was derived from the ADDitude ADHD Experts webinar titled, “ADHD in Older Adults: Clinical Guidance and Implications” [Video Replay & Podcast #499] with David Goodman, M.D., LFAPA., which was broadcast on April 4, 2024.

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Q: “I’m going through a divorce. My child, who has ADHD, seems to be acting out more, and even lying. How should I handle this?”

Divorce is difficult for kids of all ages, and their stress and frustration may manifest in behavioral changes. Lying is a common behavior in kids with ADHD, especially younger children. Most of the time, parents are very concerned because they think, “I’m raising a sociopath. Why is my child lying? This goes against our family’s values.”

Why Children with ADHD Lie

In a divorce, lying can often take on another dynamic. A child may lie about what happens in the other parent’s home because they think it’s what you want to hear. Many feel that the divorce is their fault, and they see that you are sad when they leave you. Maybe they’re having a great time in the other house, and they feel bad that you’re alone. So, they might say negative things about what happens in the other home to make you feel better.

If this is the case, take a deep breath before you act. Some parents might think, “My ex can’t take care of our child. They’re eating candy for dinner and going to bed after midnight.” This might not be happening, or at least not to the degree that your child is saying.

[Q&A: “Inconsistent Routines and Discipline in a Shared Custody Situation”]

If you’re concerned about something you hear, don’t interrogate your child for details. Check in with the other parent, without making accusations. The more you and the other parent exchange information directly, the better the outcome for your child.

Become Your Teen’s “Board of Directors”

If your child is a teen, they may feel rushed toward independence by the divorce. They may also feel that they have to take care of the parent who’s struggling emotionally. On top of that, if their ADHD is not sufficiently managed, sometimes this can lead to acting out.

Divorce or no divorce, this is the time in a teen’s life when parents should be stepping back, letting go of the scaffolding, and letting their child fail a little bit. Start transitioning from being what I call the CEO of a child’s company to the board of directors. If this sounds like your issue, make sure that you are listening to your teen and asking questions. Try not to control a situation or offer advice; just listen.

Divorce, like any major change in the family, will bring up some really big feelings. The best way to start to manage your child’s emotions is by owning your own. It’s good modeling. We can’t hide what we’re feeling from our kids. You can say something like, “You know what? I’m feeling sad right now. I’m not going to feel like this forever. It’s going to pass. But today I feel sad, and that’s okay.”

[Free Parenting Resource: Your 10 Toughest Discipline Dilemmas – Solved!]

Reassure your child even when you think they don’t need it. Remind them over and over that the divorce was not their fault, and that while their parents’ love for each other might change and look different, each parent’s love for their child never fades.

Parenting through Divorce: Next Steps

• Read: The ADHD Co-Parenting Guide to Consistent Treatment
• Watch: Coparenting After Divorce — How to Manage ADHD Consistently Across Households
• Free Download: 5 Ways to Improve Emotional Control at Home

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.