But here’s the thing: Resilience isn’t born out of ease; it’s forged in the fire of adversity. Hope is the cornerstone of resilience, and it reminds us of our power to heal and create a future that honors our potential.

Building Resiliency to Sustain Hope

Fostering hope requires individuals to look beyond their immediate struggles and envision a future in which their ADHD does not define their limitations, but instead, highlights their unique potential. This shift in perspective can transform the narrative from one of struggle to one of resiliency.

[Read: “I am a Neurodivergent Black Woman — and I am Filled with Hope.”]

For people of color with ADHD, increasing hope involves a holistic approach:

• Raise awareness about ADHD and its impact on people of color. Advocacy can build a sense of purpose and agency, reinforcing hope.
• Build a support network. Surround yourself with family, friends, and mentors who understand and validate your experiences. Engage with communities that resonate with your identity and challenges.
• Set realistic goals. Break down larger aspirations or tasks into smaller, manageable steps. Celebrate each milestone.
• Develop coping strategies. Learn and practice techniques to manage ADHD symptoms; use mindfulness, time-management skills, and organizational tools to aid executive function. Professional support from therapists or coaches can be invaluable.
• Identify and leverage your unique strengths. Whether it’s creativity, problem-solving skills, or a dynamic personality, use these traits to your advantage.

[Read: Why ADHD Is Different for People of Color]

Ultimately, fostering hope among people of color requires a mix of personal mindset, community support, and systemic change. Hope demands that we look beyond immediate challenges and believe in a tomorrow better than any yesterday. Every step toward hope, no matter how small, builds the resilience that empowers us to keep going.

Resiliency, Hope, and ADHD: Next Steps

• Learn: Why We Need Clinicians of Color to Normalize ADHD in BIPOC Communities
• Read: Teaching Generation Z How to Hope
• Download: Your Free Guide to Changing How the World Sees ADHD

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It’s a question I throw at the end of coaching sessions with my clients. I stole the question from the Coursera version of Yale’s most popular class ever, “The Science of Well-Being,” led by Laurie Santos, Ph.D. In this course, you’re tasked with writing down the things for which you’re grateful every day for a week.

Why Is Gratitude Important

The idea is two-fold. One, it breaks you out of negativity traps by training you to focus on and acknowledge the real good in your life, which helps you develop a positive outlook. Two, if you recall the things you’re grateful for in detail, your brain thinks it’s experiencing them again — so you’ll have multitudes of goodness in you.

[Read: ADHD and the Power of Positive Thinking]

Gratitude is an essential practice for those of us with ADHD, as we often harbor a nagging assumption that we’re less than. The extended logic is that because we are less than, we must have crappy lives – a self-defeating cycle that doesn’t make our lives any easier.

But we’re not less than. Our lives are full of beauty that we often don’t acknowledge. Noting the good around us and within us is a type of reality check that sparks awareness, acceptance, balance, and happiness.

If you’re looking for ways to practice gratitude in your life, try this fun exercise with friends and family. Propose that everyone join in on this gratitude game at your next gathering.

How to Practice Gratitude: A Group Gratitude Exercise

1. Gather a group of people together — around the Thanksgiving table, in the living room, at the beach, in the car during a long drive. Whatever works.

[Read: For to Log Daily Victories for Your Family]

2. Take turns answering the following questions.

• What’s one thing you’re grateful for in your life? (This could be your whole life or just this past week.)
• What are you grateful for about each person in this group?
• What are you grateful for about yourself?
• What are you grateful for about the natural world?
• What was your favorite answer that each person gave?

Each person should take the time they need to formulate an answer and should wait for others to formulate theirs. Go where your heart leads and have fun with it. Be chill. (I view this exercise as a game, though this is very different from the cutthroat card tournaments I played with my extended family growing up, where being chill was never an asset.) Beyond this one-time activity, make gratitude a daily practice in your life. Challenge yourself, in particular, to reflect on the positive aspects of your neurodivergence.

How to Practice Gratitude: Next Steps

• Free Download: Bonding Activity Ideas for ADHD Families
• Read: The Key to ADHD Emotional Regulation? Cultivating Gratitude, Pride & Compassion
• Read: “The ADHD Characteristics I’m Most Thankful for Are…”

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“He would tell me I was the best thing that ever happened to him. Then he started telling me I needed to lose weight and that my clothes were too revealing. He said my parents were abusive and didn’t care about me; that he was the only one who truly cared about me.”

“She told me that no one would believe me if I told them she was abusive. She said girls can’t be abusive and that she was just reacting to me being abusive.”

“The more my parents stopped me from seeing him, the more ways I found to see him. It almost became like a challenge. He encouraged me to defy them.”

These are glimpses into toxic relationships, as told to me by a few of my teen clients with ADHD. And their stories are not uncommon. Teens with ADHD may become easy targets for perpetrators of emotional abuse and manipulation due to their lagging maturity, difficulty with friendships, low self-esteem, and other factors.

Toxic relationships are stealthy. They begin with a love-bombing phase, during which a person is lavished with gifts, attention, and ego-boosting compliments. This phase is especially intoxicating and powerful for people with ADHD who finally feel a sense of acceptance. Then the devaluing phase begins; their love interest tells them all the reasons they’re not good enough. Your child might hear, “If you were a little bit taller, that would make you more attractive to me.” Or “Why can’t you just be a good partner?”

[Read: What Are the Signs of a Controlling Relationship?]

Signs of a Toxic Relationship

Maybe your kid comes home and is excited because they met somebody. Then, six months later, you start noticing that their sparkle has faded; their personality seems blunted. They don’t seem as close to family members, and they’re not hanging out with their friends as much. This is by design; the perpetrator’s goal is to isolate and gain ultimate power and control over your child.

You might say to your child: “I really love you. It seems like things have changed. You don’t seem as happy. I wonder if you’ve noticed that, too. Let’s talk about this.”

Keep in mind that your child has already gotten the message from their partner that they should not listen to you. This is why it’s important to be non-judgmental. If you say something bad about their partner, your child will defend them to the hilt.

Just having a dialogue with your child, without pointing out how unhealthy their partner is, can be really helpful. And keep communication open.

How to Move on from a Toxic Relationship

Tell your child not to initiate or respond to any communication from the perpetrator. Cutting off contact with them is the most effective solution. They should block the perpetrator on social media to prevent a return to the cycle of pathology. You should monitor your teen’s devices and know who they’re talking to. Find out from your Internet provider about features to help you protect your child.

[Read: The Rules of Dating (and Breaking Up) with ADHD]

When someone leaves this type of relationship, it can be almost like experiencing a drug withdrawal; it’s much more intense than a typical breakup. Parents in this situation need to keep a close eye on their kids and watch for signs of self-harm. Make sure your teen continues taking their ADHD medicine and going to therapy. Check in with them, not just right after the breakup, but over time.

The more time your teen spends away from this unhealthy person, the more likely they will enter and maintain healthy relationships in the future.

Signs of a Toxic Relationship: Next Steps

• Self-Test: Is Your Relationship Toxic?
• Read: Why Do Toxic Relationships Swallow People with ADHD?
• Watch: Toxic Relationship Red Flags and Interventions for Teens with ADHD

Stephanie Moulton Sarkis, Ph.D., is the author of Healing from Toxic Relationships — 10 Essential Steps to Recover from Gaslighting, Narcissism, and Emotional Abuse (#CommissionsEarned)

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

#CommissionsEarned As an Amazon Associate, ADDitude earns a commission from qualifying purchases made by ADDitude readers on the affiliate links we share. However, all products linked in the ADDitude Store have been independently selected by our editors and/or recommended by our readers. Prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.

If you’re a mom who has it all figured out, with a clean and tidy house, and clean and tidy children who do their homework on time with no prodding, and you prepare elegant meals that Martha Stewart would envy, after a full day of work, congratulations. This webinar is not for you.

If you’re a mom with ADHD, and you feel overwhelmed by the daily chaos of getting kids off to school, managing piles of clutter, planning meals, and juggling household chores with after-school activities, doctor appointments, and more — regardless of whether you work outside the home — then you won’t want to miss this event. ADHD expert, psychotherapist, and author Terry Matlen, LMSW, will provide working and stay-at-home moms with practical tools and strategies to improve their day-to-day life.

• About the societal expectations that push women to demonstrate good executive functioning and the emotional impact on mothers with ADHD
• How to battle disorganization, procrastination, sensory overload, and more
• How to change and reframe internal and external expectations
• How to problem-solve as a family
• How to better manage your time and help your children improve their own time management
• About the importance of self-care

Watch the Video Replay

Enter your email address in the box above labeled “Video Replay + Slide Access” to watch the video replay (closed captions available) and download the slide presentation.

Motherhood & ADHD: More Resources

• Download: Parenting Guide for Caregivers with ADHD
• Read: 13 Survival Strategies for Moms with ADHD
• Read: “Today, We Will Give Ourselves Grace.”
• eBook: Women with ADHD — How Hormones, Symptoms & Late Diagnoses Impact Females

Obtain a Certificate of Attendance

If you attended the live webinar on December 17, 2024, watched the video replay, or listened to the podcast, you may purchase a certificate of attendance option (cost: $10). Note: ADDitude does not offer CEU credits. Click here to purchase the certificate of attendance option »

Meet the Expert Speaker

Terry Matlen, LMSW, is a psychotherapist, consultant and author of the award-winning book, The Queen of Distraction and Survival Tips for Women with AD/HD. (#CommissionsEarned) She runs www.ADDconsults.com, an online resource serving women with ADHD, and www.PowerfulWomenWithADHD.com, an online community for women with ADHD looking for connection and skill building.

With over 25 years of experience helping women with ADHD, Terry has written hundreds of articles for various publications. She served for many years on the board of directors of ADDA and is immediate past coordinator of the E. Oakland County Chapter in Michigan. Terry can be reached at terry@ADDconsults.com.

#CommissionsEarned As an Amazon Associate, ADDitude earns a commission from qualifying purchases made by ADDitude readers on the affiliate links we share. However, all products linked in the ADDitude Store have been independently selected by our editors and/or recommended by our readers. Prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.

Webinar Sponsor

The sponsor of this ADDitude webinar is…

Feeling the weight of ADHD while managing work and family life? The mental load can be exhausting, but there’s a way to lighten it.

Play Attention, inspired by NASA technology and backed by Tufts University research, is designed to strengthen executive function and improve focus, memory, and emotion regulation. With the help of a personal focus coach, you’ll gain the tools to handle life’s challenges with confidence. Learn how you can improve executive function in just 10 minutes a day. Schedule a consultation or take our ADHD test. Call 828-676-2240. www.playattention.com

ADDitude thanks our sponsors for supporting our webinars. Sponsorship has no influence on speaker selection or webinar content.

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ADHD gives me plenty of skills I can model for my kids, but good frustration tolerance isn’t one of them. I can make up silly songs on demand, but I’m rubbish at remaining unruffled when my 6-year-old’s temper flares.

My younger child is a lovable ball of brightness, kindness, and fun, but many things short her circuit and invoke her iron will, from unsolicited carrots to socks that won’t reach their requisite height.

She might well be neurodivergent herself. (We’re waiting in line for assessment.) But whatever the root of her proneness to grievance, it feels like we’re peas in a pod. My patience is apt to desert me the second she loses hers.

There are things I can give her directly to help her stay grounded and happy: empathy, boundaries, nutritious meals, plenty of nourishing cuddles, choice where possible, my fullest attention, the conscious uncoupling of me and my phone. But kids need a stable, consistent caregiver who they can watch and copy. If I can’t manage my own frustration, how will she ever handle hers?

Modeling Calm When Anger Strikes

I’ve been thinking a lot about how to model calm when it counts, and it strikes me that there are two things I need to nail if things are to be less shouty around here.

[Get This Free Download: 5 Ways to Improve Emotional Control at Home]

1. Meeting my own needs first

Most of what gives me balance is basic. Exercise, fresh air, and eating well. Walking up hills and through parks. Pilates and painting and learning new things. Time with no screens or voices to allow me to drift and dream.

They’re simple remedies, but my mental health slides if I fail to give them priority. Luckily, my partner has his own list too, so we tag-team to tick off as much as we can.

2. Keeping my cool in the moment

Much harder to master is the consistent deployment of effective strategies when my daughter digs her heels in.

When my child gets stuck in an emotional vortex, reason cannot reach her. I know how that feels myself and I’m often inclined to join her. But some recent therapy has helped me to see that I do have a choice in the moment. I can either hop aboard the resentment express and trot out a pointless monologue that spikes my cortisol and guarantees escalation. Or I can pause and make a conscious decision about how I’d like to proceed.

It’s not easy. The stress in my body is physical and real. I feel it in my chest and my neck. My ears ring and my heart races. But there are ways of letting it go. I can notice the tightness and relax the tension. My mind will often follow. I can focus on breathing more slowly and deeply (if I’m actually breathing at all). I can silently soothe myself in the tone of a grown-up who knows this will pass. When I pull it off, I’m not faking or in toxic denial. I just feel a lot more balanced and able to ride out the storm.

[Read: When Angry Kids Lash Out – How to Defuse Explosive Reactions]

Modeling Calm – Putting Techniques to the Test

I get a chance to deploy my new tactics in the art of non-reaction on a Saturday, when we fancy a walk in the woods. The little one won’t get dressed, of course. Weekends are for lying down, she declares, as she burrows under our duvet, tucking it in around her to secure her fortress against potential incursion.

We could be here a while, I think. Last week we aborted completely. I implore her to put on some clothes. She kicks off the covers and thrashes around, emitting a grating whine. My chest tightens, my heart rate quickens, and I want to launch into my lecture.

But I stop. I breathe. I remember that calm breeds calm and that staying centred will help us both. She performs a series of loud exhalations, but I say to her softly that we’re leaving. Voices do not get raised. I exit the room and in minutes she’s clothed and skipping out to the van.

She briefly objects to my offensive plan to take a jacket just in case. But I let it wash over me and it burns out fast. Off we go in peace.

The same trick works on Tuesday when I commit a transgression with celery and she CANNOT EAT THIS LASAGNA (she does) and again on Friday when it puts to bed a debate over whether jellybeans constitute breakfast (they don’t).

Modeling Calm, One Little Test at a Time

There are blips involving poached eggs and car seats. I’m tired and hormonal and late – and I yell. But part of my internal deal is that I’m kind to myself when I fail. Improvement is still improvement if it’s only some of the time.

I’m buoyed by how things are going. My girl is more flexible and she’s proud of herself when she lets things go. I’m feeling quite proud of me, too.

So maybe I can crack this. Maybe soon I’ll add “measured response to frustration” to the list of things I can pass to my children. It’s not as fun as singing ditties about teachers or toilets, but it’s arguably a more essential skill that will serve them well in life.

How to Be a Calm Parent: Next Steps

• Read: ADHD and Emotional Regulation – A Parent’s Guide
• Free Download: Get a Grip on Tough Emotions
• Read: “Our Home Can’t Withstand All of These Emotional ADHD Explosions!”

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I read these words shortly after I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 44. Those 15 words, which appeared in a book meant for ADHD families, left me stunned for weeks. They helped me understand my entire life experience far more than any other sentence – or any person, for that matter – ever had.

Growing up with undiagnosed ADHD, I was repeatedly labeled…

Lazy. Unmotivated. Smart but slacks off. Careless. Indifferent. Clumsy. Forgetful. Distracted. Sloppy. Listens but doesn’t follow directions. Doesn’t listen. Won’t listen. Stubborn.

Despite all evidence to the contrary and much work on my part to see myself differently, I still identify to some degree with the above labels. And I know that I’m not the only one. I think of the many women today who learn that they grew up with undiagnosed ADHD, and that girls today still struggle to get properly diagnosed with ADHD.

A diagnosis as a child would have been incredible. But beyond that, I wish I had grown up hearing the following words of encouragement – the things all girls with ADHD need to hear to build their self-esteem and avoid viewing their symptoms as character flaws.

1. “You’ll need to stand up for yourself over and over. And that’s OK.” Though things are getting better, ADHD is still stigmatized and misunderstood. What’s more, girls are still socialized and expected to be obedient and compliant. When we push back, it is viewed a lot differently than when boys do it. Assertiveness and self-advocacy, especially for girls with ADHD, are essential life skills that build confidence and self-reliance.

[Read: How to Raise a Self-Confident Daughter]

2. “We will stand up for you.” Self-advocacy only works if girls with ADHD know that trusted adults have their backs, too. Girls need to know they’re not alone when they stand up for themselves.

3. “Accommodations are a legal entitlement, not a favor.” Growing up, I had family members who genuinely believed that any accommodations, such as extra time on tests, were a way for lazy students to get out of doing schoolwork. Anything that was different “wasn’t fair” to the other students. What critics don’t understand is that a neurotypical environment is already inherently unfair to individuals with ADHD, and the reason we are chronically dismissed and overlooked is because our disability can be largely invisible. No matter how hard we try, most of us will never succeed without external support.

The reason the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) became law is to equalize the playing field for individuals with disabilities. My customized accommodations aren’t a special favor; they’re what I need.

4. “Other girls with ADHD need you as a friend.” Shame and isolation have a lot to do with why experts miss ADHD in women and girls. Throughout my entire childhood, every adult in my life blamed me for my symptoms, and my father told me that one of the reasons I struggled to make friends was because other kids knew about my poor grades.

[Read: Protecting the Emotional Health of Girls with ADHD]

But what girls like me need most of all are friendships with other girls with ADHD. Bonding over common problems, social challenges, and struggles at home and at school all reduce shame and stigma while building strong connections. Greater awareness leads to feeling confident in asking for help and support. Most importantly, I wouldn’t have felt so alone for so long.

5. “Other people don’t decide your value.” Throughout my entire life, I let my parents, siblings, teachers, doctors, and bosses decide my value based on their inaccurate and sexist views of me. Now that I know better — that I’m not fundamentally deficient — I want every woman and girl to hear this: No one else decides our value.

Don’t give your power away to someone who doesn’t have any idea about what living with ADHD is like, especially when they don’t care. We all have our strengths, and there are so many different ways for our talents to shine. But we’ll never realize that if we listen to our uninformed critics.

Girls with ADD: Next Steps

• Read: The ADHD Soul Shine Kit — Build Your Child’s Self Esteem
• Read: How to Protect the Emotional Health of Girls with ADHD
• Read: You Are Enough — How to Counteract Imposter Syndrome, Perfectionism, and RSD
• Read: You Are Not the Sum of Your ADHD Challenges

Maria Reppas lives with her family on the East Coast.  Her writing has been in the Washington Post, USA Today, Newsweek, New York Daily News, Ms. Magazine, and Business Insider.  Visit her on Twitter and at mariareppas.com.  

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is an evidence-based treatment designed to help individuals who struggle with emotional dysregulation, aggression, self-harm, and other problem behaviors. DBT is an intensive, highly structured program that was originally created for adults in the 1970s and has since been adapted for children and adolescents. It can be an effective treatment for ADHD because it aids in the development of skills that support emotional regulation, problem-solving, and self-acceptance.

DBT works by helping children develop skills that decrease unwanted feelings and unhelpful behaviors, as well as skills that help them to accept difficult feelings about themselves and others without judgment. DBT patients participate in one-on-one therapy, group skills training, and/or phone coaching from their therapist. Parents learn the same skills as their children so that they can reinforce those skills outside of therapy.

In this webinar, you will learn:

• About the conditions that DBT treats in children and adolescents, and who would be a good fit for this therapy
• About DBT as a treatment model and how it works
• How DBT can support children and adolescents in managing mood, impulsivity, and anxiety
• About DBT strategies to support children in distress

Watch the Video Replay

Enter your email address in the box above labeled “Video Replay + Slide Access” to watch the video replay (closed captions available) and download the slide presentation.

Download or Stream the Podcast Audio

Click the play button below to listen to this episode directly in your browser, click the symbol to download to listen later, or open in your podcasts app: Apple Podcasts; Audacy; Spotify; Amazon Music; iHeartRADIO

DBT for ADHD: More Resources

• Download: What Is Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)?
• Read: Overview of ADHD Therapies
• Q&A: Why Deficient Emotional Self-Regulation is Central to ADHD
• eBook: The Parents’ Guide to Raising a Teen with ADHD

Obtain a Certificate of Attendance

If you attended the live webinar on November 19, 2024, watched the video replay, or listened to the podcast, you may purchase a certificate of attendance option (cost: $10). Note: ADDitude does not offer CEU credits. Click here to purchase the certificate of attendance option »

Meet the Expert Speaker

Lauren Allerhand, Psy.D., is Co-Director of the Dialectical Behavior Therapy Programs and a psychologist for the Mood Disorders Center at the Child Mind Institute in the San Francisco Bay Area. She specializes in the evidence-based assessment and treatment of youth struggling with depression, anxiety, trauma, eating disorders, ADHD, and oppositional defiant disorder. She has extensive training in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). Dr. Allerhand is particularly passionate about providing DBT to improve the lives of high-risk, diagnostically complex youth who struggle with emotion dysregulation, suicidality, and self-injury.

Dr. Allerhand’s clinical practice also emphasizes supporting parents of children and teens with emotion dysregulation, oppositional behavior, or ADHD through evidence-based intervention. She has specialized trained in a DBT parenting intervention and Parent Management Training for parents of older children and teenagers. Dr. Allerhand is also certified in Parent Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT), an evidence-based intervention for families with preschool-aged children.

Listener Testimonials

“Praise to the speaker for her clarity. Excellent delivery.”

“The speaker was excellent, and the presentation outlined exactly the things I was hoping to find out about DBT. Thank you!”

“I really liked the specific examples that she provided. It was very helpful. Thank you!

Webinar Sponsor

The sponsor of this ADDitude webinar is…

Play Attention: Play Attention, inspired by NASA technology and backed by Tufts University research, offers customized plans to improve executive function, emotional regulation, and behavior through behavior therapy principles and mindfulness. Each family is assigned a personal focus coach, and our family plan provides tailored programs for both kids and parents, so everyone can thrive together. Schedule a consultation or take our ADHD test to discover how Play Attention can support your family’s cognitive, emotional, and behavioral development. Call 828-676-2240. www.playattention.com

ADDitude thanks our sponsors for supporting our webinars. Sponsorship has no influence on speaker selection or webinar content.

Follow ADDitude’s full ADHD Experts Podcast in your podcasts app:
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Bad grades are not always a fair reflection of your child’s effort, learning, motivation, or potential for success. And this is especially true for students with ADHD and other learning differences. On the surface, disappointing grades represent a failure at school. But there’s usually more to the story, which may never be heard because strong emotions — for parents and students — take over.

So how can we respond more positively and thoughtfully to a bad report card? Here to suggest solutions is Ann Dolin, M.Ed., an experienced author, educator, advocate, and parent of kids with ADHD who will help parents uncover possible reasons for their child’s grades and show them how to navigate these sticky situations while preserving their relationship with their child.

In this webinar, you will learn:

• How to talk to your child about their school performance, including some easy conversation starters
• Ways to investigate why it’s happening and the two most common reasons for poor grades
• What to do moving forward, including strategies to help your child study more effectively and stay organized
• Whether you should set consequences for your child’s bad grades (or reward them for good grades) and how to keep kids with ADHD motivated

Watch the Video Replay

Enter your email address in the box above labeled “Video Replay + Slide Access” to watch the video replay (closed captions available) and download the slide presentation.

Download or Stream the Podcast Audio

Click the play button below to listen to this episode directly in your browser, click the symbol to download to listen later, or open in your podcasts app: Apple Podcasts; Audacy; Spotify; Amazon Music; iHeartRADIO

ADHD at School: More Resources

• Download: Transform Your Teen’s Apathy Into Engagement
• Read: Do This, Then That! How to Model Planning & Prioritizing for Students with ADHD
• Q&A: “We Need an After-School Routine to Ease the Transition to Homework.”
• eBook: The ADHD Homework Survival Guide

Obtain a Certificate of Attendance

If you attended the live webinar on November 12, 2024, watched the video replay, or listened to the podcast, you may purchase a certificate of attendance option (cost: $10). Note: ADDitude does not offer CEU credits. Click here to purchase the certificate of attendance option »

Meet the Expert Speaker

Ann Dolin, M.Ed., has nearly 30 years of experience working with students. She is a former public school special education teacher and author who founded Educational Connections in 1998. The company specializes in helping students, especially those with ADHD, build executive function skills and study habits to perform better in school and, ultimately, in college.

She and her team of more than 120 tutors, executive function coaches, college consultants, and parent coaches provide virtual support to families with kindergarten to college students throughout the country.

Ann is the author of Homework Made Simple: Tips, Tools, and Solutions for Stress-Free Homework and Getting Past Procrastination: How to Get Your Kids Organized, Focused and Motivated… Without Being the Bad Guy. (#CommissionsEarned) She also is past president of CHADD of Northern Virginia and is an advocate for students with ADHD.

#CommissionsEarned As an Amazon Associate, ADDitude earns a commission from qualifying purchases made by ADDitude readers on the affiliate links we share.

Listener Testimonials

“I really enjoyed the talk today!”

“It was nice to hear the common frustration parents with ADHD have.”

“Excellent info regarding executive functioning!”

Webinar Sponsor

The sponsor of this ADDitude webinar is…

Brain Balance helps kids, teens and adults with ADHD, learning differences, anxiety & more through our integrative cognitive development and brain wellness program. Our approach combines cognitive, physical and sensory training with nutritional guidance to strengthen and build brain connectivity without the use of medication. Stronger connections translate to improved attention, behaviors, and social-emotional well-being. | brainbalancecenters.com/additudemag

ADDitude thanks our sponsors for supporting our webinars. Sponsorship has no influence on speaker selection or webinar content.

Follow ADDitude’s full ADHD Experts Podcast in your podcasts app:
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My 9-year-old son has always been a firework, from the very second of his surprise existence. If my pregnancy test could have displayed two zigzags instead of straight lines, it would have.

He has never followed the path well-trodden. Instead, he has swung from the trees shadowing its path, spinning and tumbling over it like a Ferris wheel free from its hinges. His brain is always busy. It darts and daydreams and never tells him to sit, breathe, and just be.

“I was the same as him when I was a kid,” my husband would say. “He’s just a little boy.”

He often spoke of marked similarities between them, and we thought our son had simply inherited a huge slice of his father’s personality. That this was just “them.” So we attributed his behaviors to that – a child who was beautifully energetic. If he wasn’t spinning or cartwheeling, he was singing or asking questions or making funny little noises. The only time he really rested was when he slept, when dreams took over and his compulsion to “fizz,” as he calls it, quelled.

Father and Son: Drawing ADHD Parallels

Analyzing my child’s behavior, helicoptering his nuances and traits, and researching “ADHD in children” until there was nothing left to Google came easy. Turning the lens to my husband, on the other hand, was trickier.

My husband flitted from job to job, struggled to prioritize, became easily frustrated with any task, and was unfocused. But we had gone through a fair chunk of sadness in the last few years — the death of one of our other sons, the loss of parents, our 9-year-old’s meningitis battle when he was a baby. I put my husband’s erratic nature down to stress and trauma.

[Read: “Let Me Tell You How ADHD Runs in My Family”]

All the while, the phone calls from my son’s exasperated teacher mounted, as did the sense that my son’s behaviors in school and at home were indicative of something bigger.

My mother-in-law was a special education teacher for many years. The more I called her to analyze my little boy’s behavior, the more parallels she’d draw between him and my husband. Eventually, the constant joke that they were two peas in a pod became a lightbulb moment for me. I made an appointment with an ADHD specialist – for my son and husband. Sure enough, after a careful evaluation, the specialist diagnosed both of them with ADHD in the same appointment. Their test scores were practically identical, she noted.

Like Father, Like Son

“How do you feel?” the specialist asked my son. She sat next to him on the floor as he clicked LEGOs together and bounced on his knees.

“Exhausted” he said. And my heart sank. Exhausted by trying to concentrate in school and being told off constantly, exhausted by coming home to homework cajoling, exhausted for being reprimanded for his impatience and other behaviors at the outskirts of his control.

[Read: “My ADHD Family Tree — Three Generations of Neurodivergence Revealed”]

I saw my husband’s face crumble a little as he knew that feeling all too well. And I realized that, as a wife and mother, I had failed them. To me, their behaviors were annoying, frustrating, and sometimes inexplicable. I had often said to my son, “Why is it always you? Why are you the one who always gets into trouble?” I sometimes dreamed of an easier marriage to a man who would stick at a job or for a man who would actually listen to me. I had no idea what either of them were going through. It was an incredibly emotional day for everyone.

We walked out of the specialist’s room with a deeper understanding of each other and a feeling that we can all start to be our truer selves.

Our ADHD Family

We’ve only recently entered the neurodivergent universe. We’re perched on a circling satellite looking into a place where words like “disorder,” “impulsivity,” and “disorganization” zoom by. But it’s other zooming words that captivate us — “spontaneity,” “creativity,” “courage.” We are going to run with these as fast as we can.

We’re not alone in entering this universe. We see many other families embarking on this journey, too. Some days we think we have a firm grasp on ADHD – and some days we don’t. And that’s OK, because all we can do is buckle up so the twists and turns don’t jolt the ones we love quite so much.

I would not change my son or husband for anything. We’ll bundle up all of the positives and challenges, stick them into our family jetpack, and navigate the steps, bounces, stumbles, and freefalls of this shared diagnosis together.

ADHD Family Ties: Next Steps

• Get This Free Download: ADHD Empowerment Month Calendar
• Read: 5 Ways to Build Bonds – A Guide for ADHD Dads
• Read: Helping Your Kids Find the “Awesome” in ADHD

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Awesome — Adjective — Extremely impressive or daunting; inspiring great admiration, apprehension, or fear.

It’s safe to say our kids get daily reminders of how much ADHD just plain sucks. The world wasn’t built for their unique brains, which are forced to remain still and focused in long classes, amid constant distractions, and often despite unrealistic expectations from teachers and us, their parents. You don’t need to read one more thing about how hard it is to have ADHD, so I’m here to offer ways to shine a spotlight on the pure sunshine that can spark from an ADHD brain.

Just a reminder: I’m not a doctor or a therapist. Our family is like the lab rat that has undergone rounds of testing. Here are the ways we’ve helped our son find the awesomeness in ADHD:

LIVE WEBINAR WITH KIM & PENN HOLDERNESS
Register for this free webinar on Tuesday, October 1, and get an opportunity to ask your questions to Kim & Penn Holderness live. Plus, get the replay link to share.

1. Tell Them What ADHD Is Not

ADHD is not a deficit of attention. In fact, people with ADHD have an abundance of attention and sometimes struggle with how to use it. ADHD is not a shortcoming or a choice. It’s not a result of bad parenting. It’s not a fad or trend. ADHD is a collection of symptoms that vary in every single person.

[Get This Free Download: Celebrate ADHD Empowerment Month!]

In our house, ADHD is the explanation but not the excuse. My husband forgot to put his shoes on when going to pick up our carry-out dinner order. He was on a phone call as he walked out the door and I yelled after him to pick up some garbage bags while he was out. He struggles to prioritize and his system gets easily overwhelmed, so he wasn’t even aware he was walking out of the house barefoot. It’s the explanation but he doesn’t get a free pass to roam freely through stores without shoes.

2. Celebrate What Makes Them Different

I sometimes feel frustrated that the things that seem so simple (turning in homework, putting on BOTH shoes, turning off the stove) can be so hard for the ADHD brain. But the things my son’s brain creates leave me in awe. My son was given a writing assignment at the beginning of the school year on a specific topic. He was so hyperfocused that he wrote a 3,000-word essay defending his theory one Saturday morning, in record time. It was so well-researched and well-written. I said to him, “Your brain is pretty special. I wish I was able to dive so deep into a topic and follow the paths of information like you do. Most brains don’t do this. This is amazing!”

It was truly awesome until I noticed the assignment clearly asked for the written portion to be 500 words maximum. His brain skipped a very important detail, but I was in awe of what he created. His brain solves problems in ways mine doesn’t. He sees the world in a different, wonderful way. Every time I spot something that makes him unique, I make sure to tell him how special his brain really is.

3. Stop the Shame Spiral

When my son realized he didn’t read the instructions clearly, I saw the shame drift up his face. His shoulders hunched forward and his head dropped. The shame a person with ADHD feels when they’ve made a mistake can be overwhelming. Even for my husband, regulating his emotions and, especially, feelings of shame is a real struggle.

[Read: How to Explain ADHD in Positive, Empowering Terms]

A crucial piece of advice on shame was given to me by Dr. Emily King. Dr. King is a child psychologist who has worked with neurodivergent children, their teachers, and their families for more than 20 years. When either of my ADHD loved ones makes a mistake, she advises to offer connection not correction.

As a recovering perfectionist, this was really hard for me. When my husband got distracted and left his suitcase at the airport where we were departing and didn’t notice until he walked off the plane for our vacation, my instinct was to say a lot of curse words very loudly in the middle of a very public airport. When my son overlooked very clearly written instructions, my urge was to say “How many times do I have to tell you?! You have to read the directions!” Instead, in both cases, I offered connection.

To my husband, I said, “Wow. That really sucks. I’m sure you were feeling distracted while we were racing to the plane and trying to get snacks for the kids.” To my son, I said, “I know this is tough. That stinks that you will have to re-work this. Remember when I totally misread the written directions on The Amazing Race and got us lost? It happens.”

When the temperature is lowered and moods have stabilized, then we talk about systems and reminders. My husband says this one tool has been the most motivating for him. When I resist the urge to snap, he wants to work harder to never make the same mistake or overlook the same detail. It’s hard to offer empathy when you feel real rage, believe me. But we’re all better for it.

4. Use the Coach Mindset

Every individual with ADHD has a different collection of symptoms on a vast spectrum. I have such respect for every parent and partner who is an ally to the neurodivergent. I struggled not attaching my own ego and emotions to the actions of my child. I was advised to adopt the “Coach” mindset.

Imagine a coach of a Little League game. Does she yell and scream because your little one strikes out? No! (Or hopefully not). The coach doesn’t get embarrassed or shame a player for a bad game and a parent shouldn’t shame a child for normal behavior – even if it doesn’t fit inside our visions of how a child should act.

We had the chance to meet so many wonderful humans at book signings across the country. Sweet families with ADHD kiddos stood in line so we could take pictures and have a quick chat. Because I wanted to hug and talk to EVERYONE, the lines took longer than an ADHD brain could tolerate. Rather than snap and discipline these kiddos for spinning in circles, jumping up and down, and breakdancing (yes, breakdancing – it was awesome), the parents knew this was how their little ones needed an outlet. They didn’t expect more than their children could give. They were awesome coaches and it was inspiring to witness.

5. Remind Without Nagging

I don’t actually enjoy nagging and offering constant reminders. I don’t want to make the lists. I don’t want to hold every single piece of information for my family. That emotional load is too much. And, obviously, the person on the other end doesn’t want to hear the constant bickering. Now on Sunday evenings, we have a family meeting, and we all answer this question: “What will it take for me to have a great week?”

For the kids, it helps them spot future tests and quizzes so they plan ahead. Then, in the mornings when we’re all a little more frantic, instead of barking orders I have been asking, “What do you need to do to be ready for school?” It gives him the power and he can take ownership of his executive functioning.

I am still learning how to be a supportive partner and parent to my two ADHDers. I love their spontaneity, curiosity, and constant creativity. There are days I wish I could take a peek inside their brains to witness how they see the world. I’m imagining they both see us all as cartoon characters in an animated musical, but I wouldn’t change them even if I could.

Find the Awesome in ADHD: Next Steps

• Get the Book! ADHD Is Awesome: A Guide to (Mostly) Thriving with ADHD
• Read: Holderness Family Values — 9 ADHD Truths (with a Side of Laughter)
• Read: What I Would Never Trade Away
• Read: 10 Things I Wish the World Knew About ADHD

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

“ADHD creativity is natural in a brain that works uniquely,” says Kathleen, an ADDitude reader from Arizona who has had a prolific career creating model horses produced in resin for companies such as Breyer/Reeves International, Hartland Collectables, and Safari.

Michelle, an ADDitude reader from Mississippi, uses creative thinking daily as a professional writer, photographer, and graphic designer. “ADHD allows me to see the world differently, offer a fresh perspective, and connect ideas others miss,” she says.

“We light up the room with our sparkles,” says Sam, an ADDitude reader from the U.K. “I believe my ADHD helps me see the world in a kaleidoscope of color. I have a vivid imagination, which enables me to be creative. I can give the most amazing descriptions of things so other people can almost see, touch, and taste them. I love writing, drawing, creating music, dancing, and singing.”

[Download: Need Help Finding Your Passion? Use This ADHD “Brain Blueprint”

ADHD Traits That Foster Creativity

Some ADDitude readers credit the ADHD trait of hyperfocus with nurturing their creativity professionally and personally.

“Developing the skill of hyper-concentration makes it so I can practice and then play the piano longer and better,” says Anastasia from Nevada.

Hyperfocus enabled Mia, from New York, to excel as a student journalist “despite the strange and long hours required.”

Others say their creativity stems from insatiable curiosity, distinct viewpoints, and the ability to see obscure connections and solutions.

“ADHD has been a driving force behind my creating unique, fun, and inspiring wellness events,” says Jo from Australia. “I attribute much of the success of these retreats to the creative energy and problem-solving abilities that come with ADHD. It’s not just about being different; it’s about harnessing that difference to make something truly special. ADHD helps me see opportunities where others might see obstacles and turn them into unique and transformative experiences.”

Read on to learn about the creative successes that ADDitude readers ascribe to their (or their child’s) ADHD brain, and how they encourage their creative thinking to blossom.

[Self-Test: ADHD Test for Adults]

ADHD Creativity Is… Expressive

“I attribute my son’s writing ability and creativity to ADHD. He was able to complete two books and have them published by age 12!” — Carin, Ohio

“I wrote a newspaper column for 15 years about different aspects of my life that I thought were interesting or funny.” — Jen, Canada

“In the middle of COVID, I switched careers to become a writer. My ADHD gave me the creativity, the courage, and the tools to do it. Since then, I’ve published two children’s chapter books, which are loosely based on my life from childhood growing up with undiagnosed ADHD.” — Heidi, Washington

“I’ve written books, flash fiction, and poetry. I definitely attribute my ability to easily come up with imaginary stories or find new ways to describe things to my ADHD.” — Felicia

“When my daughter was in kindergarten, her teacher explained that it was hard for her to focus on her work because she was always paying attention to what the other kids were doing. Years later, she became an amazing writer. One of the things that makes her writing so compelling is her ability to describe characters and stories in detail. I think this ability comes from a lifetime of constantly observing people and details around her.” — Katie, Maryland

ADHD Creativity Is… Making Unexpected Connections

“At age 12, I learned how to play chess. When I was 14, I won my first of several tournaments. I didn’t understand why I saw upcoming sequences that others could not — I assumed they weren’t trying. It wasn’t until I was in my 40s that a college president explained there was something about me that allowed me to see things others didn’t.” — John, Illinois

“In the engineering world, I can find creative solutions quickly by making uncommon connections in my head and working them out on the whiteboard with my employees.” — Celtic, Florida

“I am an engineer with ADHD, and I have invented several novel environmental technologies and have the patents to show for it.” — Victor, Mississippi

“As a psychotherapist, I see connections between things in my patients’ lives and internal narratives. I can articulate these insights, often in visual metaphors, in ways that immediately put my patients at ease. I credit my ADHD with giving me this expansive access to my mind and heart and the ability to connect powerfully with my patients in ways that help them let go of their suffering.” — Jennifer, Massachusetts

ADHD Creativity Is… Clarifying

“My son has a unique eye for street life. His ADHD has enabled him to capture people uniquely through his photography.” — Sara, New Hampshire

“When I take photos, I can see the picture in my mind. I often take close-up shots of nature with people saying, ‘What is that? It’s really beautiful or interesting, but I can’t tell what it is.’ Then, they are amazed to discover it’s just water photographed differently.” — Gina, Kentucky 

“My son takes the most amazing photographs. We can be looking at the same things, but he sees it in a different light and can capture that moment on film.” — Robin, Colorado

ADHD Creativity Is… Melodic

“My daughter always tapped and jiggled her legs and had to move all the time. I had her bang on pan lids and wooden spoons as a toddler. This evolved into her becoming a drummer. People with ADHD can make awesome drummers. The rhythm soothes mental restlessness, and the physical energy needed to play calms hyperactivity.” — Andrea, U.K.

“I could never read music because of my dyslexia, but I discovered I have an ear for it. My ADHD gave me the hyperfocus to teach myself how to play piano, drums, and guitar when music lessons failed me.” — Kerry, New Jersey

“I was a professional musician for 23 years and produced and released a CD/album of original music.” — Julia, Oregon

“My ADHD allows me to write and create music that emotionally resonates with others. I would not be as good a musician without it.” — Emma, Scotland

“I arrange and write music, and I intrinsically understand the mathematical aspects of it but could never explain it.” — Jennifer, Utah

“I’m currently finishing my 6th album, ‘Neurodivergent.’ Not only did I explore new musical territories, but I experimented with A.I. videos to build narratives around the songs. This track is very ADHD to me.” — Jon, Surrey, U.K.

ADHD Creativity Is… Well Designed

“I taught myself how to use multiple graphic design programs because I was determined to fix tiny photo errors, make my blog perfect, and have the best syllabus for a class I was teaching.” — Ted, California

“I make handmade birthday cards. It’s a great creative outlet, and I actually use the craft supplies I’ve hoarded over many years.” — Yvette, Canada

“I love design — making flyers with digital art or rearranging my living room 1,000 times to find the perfect Feng shui. I believe  my ability to hyperfocus makes me love those tasks.” — Oceann, Colorado

ADHD Creativity Is… In the Spotlight

“I’m a writer and performer. My talent derives from my unique way of conceptualizing and interpreting the world, plus my constant curiosity. That’s an ADHD brain specialty.” — Dee, Canada

“During COVID, my young adult daughter chose stand-up comedy to help her cope. She works a regular job and continues to perform on weekends, including hosting shows.” — Pat, Canada

“As a humor writer and comedian, it’s important to have an interesting P.O.V. ADHD allows me to focus on details others have missed and makes my writing more interesting and robust. Additionally, being very observant helps me gather information about my audiences very quickly and relate to them.” — Nicole, Ohio

ADHD Creativity Is… Hands On

“I renovated my bathroom and kitchen with zero experience — and they both look professionally done.” — Gretchen, Minnesota

“I refinish furniture to make extra money. It is fun and creative.” — Glenda, Alberta, Canada

“Our daughter fully renovated her home, only calling in plumbers and electricians for vital compliance tickets. She also completed the renovation of a friend’s caravan and is working her way through their home, all while completing a college degree in science communication.” — Anna, Australia

ADHD Creativity Is… Inventive

“I think of wonderful inventions to re-purpose everything I’ve purchased over the years. I’m designing and making self-watering raised flower beds and working on an idea for hidden drawers that can slide in and out from under my bed frame.” — Ruth, New York

“My 8-year-old son is amazing. He puts together LEGO kits by himself. Then, a few days later, he’ll take them apart and create something new with the pieces. He created an excavator from a Star Wars set, Godzilla, and several others.” — Meagan, Alabama

“I build websites. When I let my ADHD loose, I can devise incredibly creative ways to accomplish the tasks my clients want. If they want ‘x,’ I can sometimes deliver ‘x,’ and ‘y,’ and ‘z.’ It’s all a matter of using that ADHD focus.” — Andrew, New York

“When my son was 12, he created fidget objects from LEGOS and sold them to friends. My little entrepreneur.” — Tracy, Canada

ADHD Creativity Is… Illuminating

“I teach university students using rare books and archives. ADHD allows me to connect our collections and subject areas, which wouldn’t normally happen. I also love coming up with new lesson ideas others don’t consider.” — Jo, U.K.

“I’m a dynamic, fun, hardworking teacher. I’m the teacher I always needed. I’m always trying new things!” — Marla, New Jersey

“As an educator, I used my ADHD mind to create novel situations. I sponsored a banana-eating contest to help students understand how the economic system works for a social studies class. The kids had to find a banana sponsor, get contestants, decide the admission price, make advertisements, sell tickets, and determine the profit margin. We held the contest in the school auditorium. It was a blast!” — Jane, California

ADHD Creative Thinking: Next Steps

• Download: A Free Calendar for ADHD Empowerment Month
• Read: Inspiring Celebrities Who Harness Creative Thinking
• Read: ADHD Self-Empowerment Begins With Finding Your “Right Difficult”

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Peer acceptance, a sense of self-efficacy, and a stress-is-enhancing mindset are strong predictors of resilience in older teens with ADHD, according to a small longitudinal study published in Child Psychiatry & Human Development.¹

The study, which followed 113 adolescents with ADHD from 10th to 12th grade, found that higher levels of peer acceptance, self-efficacy, and a growth mindset in 10th or 11th grade predicted higher levels of resilience 1.5 to 2 years later.

Peer Acceptance & Mechanisms of Resilience

Participants from the present study were assessed at three points:

• Fall/winter of 10th grade for peer acceptance
• Spring of 10th or 11th grade for self-efficacy, a stress-is-enhancing mindset, and baseline resilience
• Spring of 11th or 12th grade for follow-up on resilience

Peer acceptance at the start of the study explained 24% of the variance in resilience at follow-up. Teens with less severe ADHD symptoms were significantly more likely to report feelings of peer acceptance.

Resilience was measured using the Brief Resilience Scale (BRS), which asked teens to measure their agreement with statements such as “I tend to bounce back quickly after hard times” and “I take a long time to get over setbacks in my life.”

Self-Efficacy

Self-efficacy mediated the relationship between peer acceptance and resilience, accounting for 39% of the variance in resilience at follow-up.

“Greater self-efficacy has been associated with positive outcomes for children and adolescents with ADHD, including lower levels of depression and internalizing symptoms, and reported higher quality of life,” wrote Elizabeth Chan, lead author of the study.

Though ADHD symptom severity did not change the positive effect of self-efficacy on resilience, existing research shows that ADHD symptoms can negatively impact self-esteem.

A Stress-Is-Enhancing Mindset

A stress-is-enhancing mindset accounted for 31% of the variance in resilience. Individuals with this mindset view obstacles as opportunities for learning and development. Teens with more severe ADHD symptoms needed at least a moderate stress-is-enhancing mindset to promote resilience.

A Positive Mindset Has Broad Impact

“One of the key attributes of resilient children and adults is when problems come up, they view these problems as challenges to be solved rather than overwhelmed by,” said Robert Brooks, Ph.D., a leading expert on resilience and motivation.

Healthy peer relationships are also critical for kids with ADHD, many of whom struggle to initiate and maintain friendships. Children tend to experience increased interpersonal problems as they enter adolescence.¹ Between 50% and 80% experience peer rejection, according to one study, which found classmates’ opinions of ADHD students are developed within the first 30 minutes and persist long after.²

“We have to help our children become much better problem solvers and believe in themselves… to start to feel that there are these problems, but there are [also] things we can do,” said Brooks during his 2022 ADDitude webinar “Nurturing Resilience and Motivation in Children with ADHD: The Search for ‘Islands of Competence.”

Existing research on ADHD has associated adaptive outcomes with a growth mindset, as noted by the authors. A growth mindset — the belief that one can change their abilities and circumstances — predicts fewer negative emotions, greater efficacy, and less avoidant coping.^{3, 4}

In contrast, those with a stress-is-debilitating mindset view stress consequentially and are more likely to act on impulse — a core symptom of ADHD. A study published by Society for Research in Child Development and cited by the authors found that, among 1,343 adolescents, more adverse life events predicted greater distress and decreased self-control.⁵ When participants viewed stress as beneficial, they were less likely to respond impulsively to negative events.

Support from Caregivers

No significant interaction was found between a stress-is-enhancing mindset and peer acceptance. According to research cited by the authors, support from parents and teachers may be more influential than support from peers in promoting this enhancing mindset, ^{6, 7} particularly when caregivers praise effort over ability.

Additionally, the presence of a charismatic adult — someone from whom children gather strength — has been associated with resilience in kids with ADHD.⁸ “In the absence of a good co-regulator, a solid, charismatic adult… we know that the likelihood of going on to have positive outcomes goes down,” said Cheryl Chase, Ph.D., in her 2022 webinar with ADDitude on how stress and trauma impact child development. “One charismatic adult can make a massive difference.”

“Despite the adverse outcomes associated with ADHD, some adolescents with ADHD perform as well as or better than their non-ADHD peers in one or more functional domain(s),” wrote Chan et al. “These individuals appear to exhibit resilience, or a pattern of positive adaptation, with some thriving despite the neurobehavioral risks associated with their diagnosis.”

Limitations & Future Research

This was the first study to look at peer acceptance as a predictor of resilience and self-efficacy as a mediator. It was also the first to examine a stress-is-enhancing mindset in the context of ADHD.

Analyses controlled for sex, ADHD symptoms, baseline resilience, and cohort. To be included, participants were required to meet DSM-5 criteria for ADHD combined or inattentive type. Adolescents were excluded if they had a previous or existing diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder, bipolar disorder, dissociative or psychotic disorder, or an organic sleep disorder.

Future research should examine the potential causes of gender discrepancy in levels of resilience, which were significantly lower among females with ADHD. A more diverse sample is also needed, as the population was mostly male (67%) and White or Non-Hispanic (81%). A large percentage of the variance in resilience (61%) was unaccounted for; researchers should consider other contributing factors. Self-report scales were used as a primary measure; more objective reporting tools should be considered for future studies. Exploring interventions that encourage greater peer acceptance and a stress-is-enhancing mindset would benefit the study population.

Sources

¹Chan, E.S.M., Dvorsky, M.R., Green, C.D., et al. (2024). Predictors and mechanisms of resilience for high school students with ADHD: a prospective longitudinal study. Child Psychiatry Hum Dev. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10578-024-01704-3

²Ferretti N.M., King S.L., Hilton D.C., Rondon A.T., & Jarrett M.A. (2019). Social functioning in youth with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder and sluggish cognitive tempo. Yale J Biol Med, 92(1), 29-35. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6430168/

³ Burnette, J.L., Babij, A.D., Oddo, L.E., &Knouse, L.E. (2020). Self-regulation mindsets: relationship to coping, executive functioning, and ADHD. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 39(2), 101-116. https://doi.org/10.1521/jscp.2020.39.02.101

⁴ Pay, C. (n.d.). How can I foster a growth mindset in my ADHD kids? Utah State University. https://extension.usu.edu/relationships/faq/how-can-i-foster-a-growth-mindset-in-my-adhd-kids

⁵ Park, D., Yu, A., Metz, S.E., Tsukayama, E., Crum, A.J., & Duckworth, A.L. (2018). Beliefs about stress attenuate the relation among adverse life events, perceived distress, and self-control. Child Dev 89(6), 2059–2069. https://doi.org/10.1111/cdev.12946

⁶ Haimovitz, K., & Dweck, C.S. (2016). What predicts children’s fixed and growth intelligence mindsets? Not their parents’ views of intelligence but their parents’ views of failure. Psychol Sci 27(6), 859–869. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797616639727

⁷ Park, D., Gunderson, E.A., Tsukayama, E., Levine, S.C., & Beilock, S.L. (2016). Young children’s motivational frameworks and math achievement: relation to teacher-reported instructional practices, but not teacher theory of intelligence. J Educ Psychol 108(3), 300. https://doi.org/10.1037/edu0000064

⁸ Ofiesh, N.S., & Mather, N. (2023). Resilience and the child with learning disabilities. In: Goldstein, S., & Brooks, R.B. (Eds.). Handbook of resilience in children. Springer, Cham. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-031-14728-9_25

Parent training didn’t prepare me for this. My husband and I stood there, quietly whispering to each other for an excruciating 20 minutes until our daughter finally calmed down. In that time, I was desperate for the screaming, the stares, and others’ well-intentioned, albeit unhelpful, suggestions (to give her a snack or a drink) to stop. This was not the highlight of my mothering career.

Eventually, all those things did (thankfully) come to a halt. My baby stood up quietly after her meltdown, looking disoriented. Then, she stumbled in my direction and finally held my hand instead of running ahead of us like we asked her to, which is what led to the whole fiasco in the first place.

Emotional Dysregulation: A Core But Overlooked Part of ADHD

Emotional dysregulation is not new — to my daughter or to any other person with ADHD. But it was an aspect of ADHD that took me a long time to fully appreciate.

The problem is that the diagnostic criteria for ADHD intentionally exclude emotion dysregulation, despite it being historically conceptualized as a crucial characteristic of the condition. Emotional dysregulation was written about as an issue related to ADHD symptoms as early as the 1700s up until 1968, when the diagnosis of hyperkinetic reaction of childhood was first introduced in the DSM-II. Around this time, emotion dysregulation started to become a forgotten part of the equation for ADHD, and public discussion of ADHD-fueled tantrums and angry outbursts all but halted.

[Get This Free Download: 9 Truths About ADHD and Intense Emotions]

This is why, despite my psychology graduate coursework and training in ADHD, my daughter’s behavior was still confounding. On the one hand, I knew that she struggled with ADHD from an early age because her symptoms were consistent with current diagnostic criteria. On the other, her obvious emotional challenges compared to other girls and children her age, were not reflected in the DSM.

Could My Daughter’s Intense Emotions Be a Sign of DMDD?

Adding to my confusion was the fact that emotion dysregulation isn’t exclusive to ADHD. For example, children with disruptive mood dysregulation disorder (DMDD) display irritable mood and emotional outbursts that could be verbal or physical and that occur at least three times per week. It is a condition that goes beyond temper tantrums.

DMDD was added to the DSM-5 because mental health professionals were over-diagnosing bipolar disorder, a condition that causes extreme changes in mood in children. DMDD was meant to account for children who didn’t quite meet criteria for bipolar disorder, and who presented with more general irritability.

Without much mention of emotion dysregulation’s connection to ADHD in my training and in what doctors told me, my daughter’s intense emotional responses made me wonder — could this be a case of DMDD, too?

[Self Test: Does My Child Have Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder?]

The Truth About ADHD and Intense Emotions

William French, M.D., explains that the key to differentiating between DMDD and emotion dysregulation as a part of ADHD is the child’s mood between temper outbursts. Children with ADHD (and adults, too, for that matter) experience emotions intensely, but these emotions are not all negative.

Individuals with ADHD can also be incredibly excited or calm between emotional outbursts. Russell Barkley, Ph.D., says the reason the negative emotions get so much attention is because they lead to obvious social and functional challenges. While someone with ADHD experiences various emotions between periods of intense negative emotional outbursts, a person with DMDD has more persistent irritable mood between episodes.

Without a shred of doubt, I understand today – though it took lots of time and headaches to get here – that my daughter’s intense emotions are part of her ADHD.

But in my own practice, where I see neurodivergent youth, I increasingly see patients come in with an ill-fitting DMDD diagnosis. As I’ve become more and more self-educated about ADHD and emotion dysregulation, I’m convinced that many clinicians, misled by current diagnostic criteria, may be readily misattributing this central feature of ADHD to DMDD.

This is a problem, for one, because inaccurate diagnoses delay access to life-changing treatment and can cause further health complications. In addition. whether we’d like to admit it or not, certain labels carry heavier stigma than do others. Before they see me, many children with the DMDD diagnosis are turned away from other private practices, deemed too “severe” to treat. Children can also be inappropriately judged by schools when they are given labels reflecting severely dysregulated mood.

It’s important to remember that the DSM, in general, aims to simplify. But, far from simple, human beings are nuanced, and so is the way ADHD presents.

If diagnosticians took a step back and actually looked at the ADHD brain and listened to the lived experiences of individuals, maybe then they could start to understand those who are so unnecessarily misjudged, like my daughter could have been.

ADHD and Intense Emotions: Next Steps

• Free Download: Scripts to Use When Emotionally Dysregulated
• Read: “Does ADHD Emotional Dysregulation Ever Fade?”
• Read: ADHD and Emotional Regulation — A Parent’s Guide
• Get the eBook: The Emotions of ADHD

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Q: “I’m going through a divorce. My child, who has ADHD, seems to be acting out more, and even lying. How should I handle this?”

Divorce is difficult for kids of all ages, and their stress and frustration may manifest in behavioral changes. Lying is a common behavior in kids with ADHD, especially younger children. Most of the time, parents are very concerned because they think, “I’m raising a sociopath. Why is my child lying? This goes against our family’s values.”

Why Children with ADHD Lie

In a divorce, lying can often take on another dynamic. A child may lie about what happens in the other parent’s home because they think it’s what you want to hear. Many feel that the divorce is their fault, and they see that you are sad when they leave you. Maybe they’re having a great time in the other house, and they feel bad that you’re alone. So, they might say negative things about what happens in the other home to make you feel better.

If this is the case, take a deep breath before you act. Some parents might think, “My ex can’t take care of our child. They’re eating candy for dinner and going to bed after midnight.” This might not be happening, or at least not to the degree that your child is saying.

[Q&A: “Inconsistent Routines and Discipline in a Shared Custody Situation”]

If you’re concerned about something you hear, don’t interrogate your child for details. Check in with the other parent, without making accusations. The more you and the other parent exchange information directly, the better the outcome for your child.

Become Your Teen’s “Board of Directors”

If your child is a teen, they may feel rushed toward independence by the divorce. They may also feel that they have to take care of the parent who’s struggling emotionally. On top of that, if their ADHD is not sufficiently managed, sometimes this can lead to acting out.

Divorce or no divorce, this is the time in a teen’s life when parents should be stepping back, letting go of the scaffolding, and letting their child fail a little bit. Start transitioning from being what I call the CEO of a child’s company to the board of directors. If this sounds like your issue, make sure that you are listening to your teen and asking questions. Try not to control a situation or offer advice; just listen.

Divorce, like any major change in the family, will bring up some really big feelings. The best way to start to manage your child’s emotions is by owning your own. It’s good modeling. We can’t hide what we’re feeling from our kids. You can say something like, “You know what? I’m feeling sad right now. I’m not going to feel like this forever. It’s going to pass. But today I feel sad, and that’s okay.”

[Free Parenting Resource: Your 10 Toughest Discipline Dilemmas – Solved!]

Reassure your child even when you think they don’t need it. Remind them over and over that the divorce was not their fault, and that while their parents’ love for each other might change and look different, each parent’s love for their child never fades.

Parenting through Divorce: Next Steps

• Read: The ADHD Co-Parenting Guide to Consistent Treatment
• Watch: Coparenting After Divorce — How to Manage ADHD Consistently Across Households
• Free Download: 5 Ways to Improve Emotional Control at Home

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.