ADHD Is . . . Self-Advocacy: How ADDitude Readers Secure Helpful Help
Knowing how to ask for help is crucial but especially tough for people with ADHD because of RSD, social anxiety, and perfectionism. Here, ADDitude readers offer their tips, scripts, and success stories of self-advocacy.
Weak. Needy. Helpless. Annoying. Thanks to social conditioning and outdated gender norms and decades of hits to our self-esteem, this is how some of us think we appear when we ask for help. But research and experience tell us otherwise.
Strong self-advocacy skills — i.e., the ability to ask for and secure support when it matters — is a strong indicator of success for people with ADHD. Everything from executive dysfunction to the emotional impact of ADHD and its comorbidities are made more manageable with the right kind of help. But the same ADHD characteristics that make assistance so important also make asking for it really tough.
So we asked ADDitude readers to share their experiences with self-advocacy and offer any tips, hacks, or hints that have helped them get helpful help. Here’s what they told us:
Why We Ask for Help
“I see requests for help as opportunities to build relationships and connections.” —Catherine, Washington
“When I ask for help, it makes me feel like a failure. But I remind myself that I need to set an example for my kids, so I will ask my husband for help by explaining that I need to prioritize something else so can he please cook dinner?” —Kate, Australia
[Read: The Fear of Failure Is Real — and Profound]
“I’m midlife and the gig of doing it all by myself is up: I have crashed and have to ask for help now. The trick is choosing relationships in every area of life with people who have high standards of relations, reciprocity, and compassion. I choose now, rather than hoping others will get me. It changes everything!” —An ADDitude Reader
“I think having a background in addiction recovery is an asset to ADHD coping. I am already aware that in some areas, I need support outside of myself. Therefore, I am already practiced in asking for support. I know that if I try to cope on my own, it may lead to unhealthy behaviors.” —Krysta, Canada
“I have a 15-minute rule. If I am stuck for more than 15 minutes, I ask for help. I instill this in my employees as well. Asking for help tells me that they are comfortable with communication, and humble.” —John, Florida
“If I notice my RSD is preventing me from asking for support, that often indicates that I’m not getting what I need from that relationship to feel safe.” —AJ, Utah
[Read: How ADHD Ignites RSD – Meaning & Medication Solutions]
How We Ask for Help
“I prefer typing out a text or email rather than orally asking for help, but if text/email is not an option, writing a script can help me prepare for a face-to-face request.” —Chandler, Pennsylvania
“Ask for something super tiny to get practice at asking for help.” —Katrina, Australia
“I have set up keywords with my husband, so when I say those words he knows I am feeling lonely and I need help.” —April, Oklahoma
“My ADHD can make me quite impatient, so I need to give people time to process my request, or take the action I’ve asked for. It helps to remember this isn’t rejection, and they don’t have to drop everything then and there in order to be willing to help.” —Trish
“To address loneliness, I have learned to say ‘I need a hug.’ Often it opens the door for me to share more about what is going on.” —Claire, Pennsylvania
“I identify a person with complementary skills, and I spontaneously contribute to our shared objective by doing the tasks they find laborious. The reciprocal task division follows naturally. Nobody has to ask, no gift debt is engendered. We are actively helping each other.” —Dettie
“I imagine that I’m giving someone good news when I’m about to ask for something I feel nervous about.” —Kelsie, Mississippi
“I have to just accept that asking feels awkward, and it probably always will.” —Sarah, Georgia
“I always express gratitude to any person who is willing to body double with me and I describe how it was helpful. For example, ‘You read your book while I was doing bills and I got sooo much more done. Thank you. Let me know when you are reading your next book.’” —An ADDitude Reader
“I offer help, often. That makes me feel better about asking for help. In my mind, I’ve kind of already paid for the help that I need by helping others, and now I’m cashing out.” —Helen, Maryland
“I practice a lot of ‘I statements,’ like, ‘I feel so overwhelmed by the number of tasks I have to do and I need extra hands.’ It’s not easy, but if you start with positive ‘I need’ statements, and practice, it’ll start feeling like second nature.” —Vanessa, Texas
“I try to set up check-ins with team members at work so it’s easier to ask for help while working on a specific project.” —Christina, Louisiana
“Give yourself 10 seconds of bravery. Start counting backwards from 10 and, before you hit one, say what you need to say to the person.” —Charlie, Australia
“Before asking for help at work, I always make sure to have a list made up of things I need help with. It shows my boss and team members that I have come prepared, with a plan.” —Melissa, Minnesota
“I have realized that I need to be very concise and direct when asking for help, instead of talking about how much I need help and giving reasons.” —An ADDitude Reader
“I use an app such as Goblin Tools to break down tasks, then I ask for specific help. I find that if I say I need help in a non-specific way, people are less ready to help, but if I say, ‘Can you declutter this one drawer please?’ then I’ll get help. The act of breaking the task down helps reduce my overwhelm, too.” —Laura, New Zealand
“One thing that helps is to talk to friends about what is going on, just to gauge what their capacity is for listening or coming up with solutions I am blind to. More eyes and brains on a problem are a good thing.” —Sarah, Germany
“With my teenager, it is mostly a choice-based, task-related ask: ‘Would you be willing to help me with Option A or Option B and at what time?’” —Kristen, Michigan
“At work, I have a personal checklist of resources to exhaust. If I can’t find the answers after doing due diligence, I reach out to an appropriate team member. Having researched on my end allows me to reach out with a more informed and confident ask for help.” —Sharon, Ohio
ADHD Self Advocacy: Next Steps
- Quiz: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria Symptom Test
- Quiz: How Severe Is Your Loneliness?
- Download: The Emotions of ADHD
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