Adult Blogs

“How I Hide from the Neurodivergence That I Mistake as Weakness”

The many ways in which I attempt — and fail — to mask my true self.

Elisa Head
By Elisa Head Updated on January 9, 2025
Click to Add Comments

I try to mask my neurodivergence and how it impacts my life — the excessive worry, the missed appointments, the scratched-out plans, the unopened calendar or journal or self-help book stacked atop the others, and the forgotten words of encouragement I scribbled in the margins. Why? Because stigma tells us that neurodivergence – bipolar II, anxiety, and ADHD, in my case – is a weakness. So, I hide.

Ways in Which I Attempt — and Fail — to Mask

I buy an extra-large calendar for work and use a rainbow of colors to never forget my to-dos, attempting to visually imprint the needed information in my mind. I set timers. And alarms. And reminders on my Alexas.

I hang up a 48-inch by 47-inch magnetized chalkboard on the wall near my kitchen, so I’m able to see it from three rooms away. This way, all appointments and reminders are front and center, smacking me in my face.

I coated the board with chalkboard paint, but the wait in between each coat made me fear I’d lose interest in my attempted organization before I was able to finish.

When all was said and done, the board didn’t erase as I hoped. It turned out I accidentally painted the board’s porous side, not the slick side. So the board is now anchored to the wall with the month of July crossed out, August written in its place. A reminder of another grand idea that met a swift demise.

[Read: 5 ADHD Organization Tools That Never Work for Me – and 5 That Do]

I buy a trending keychain that comes with 24 tags hanging off of it. Their purpose? To annoy and remind me to get my tasks done so I can remove said tags from my wrist. I need reminders to take my medicine, to remember my computer, to charge my phone, to pack my lunch and coffee, and all of the other things I tend to forget.

But wait, there’s more. The back of my hand serves as the backup to my backup. Reminders smeared on my skin for appointments I’m sure to miss.

I Mask, and Pay the Price for It

The memory on my laptop keeps running out. A clean sweep is warranted, but I only end up deleting a few downloads at a time because I’m afraid of deleting a document, file, or picture I may someday need.

I have 30,700 unopened emails, 549 unheard voicemails, and 125 tabs open on my phone browser. It’s no surprise that I missed last month’s email telling me my story placed 11th in Round One of a contest I entered. Or that I completely missed Round Two.

[Read: “Masking with ADHD Is the Ultimate Energy Drain”]

A few months ago, I entered another writing contest, made the honorable mentions category, and received an exciting monetary award. I kept waiting for the check to come in the mail, telling myself, “next week.”

But next week never came, and instead I missed the email, and subsequently the window, to collect the funds.

And so, I hide.

I buy the new journal, or planner, or whatever I feel I need, to appear and attempt to be a little more organized.

So, How Do We Break the Masking Cycle?

We accept and educate ourselves. It is only through a deep dive into how our minds work that we better understand why we think and do the things we do.

We speak up and out. We tell our truth, remove our masks, and allow our voices to be heard, normalizing the conversation surrounding ADHD and other mental health disorders.

And finally, we have a sense of humor.

Neurodivergent Masking: Next Steps

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.