17 Secrets to Making — and Keeping — Adult Friends
“Start prioritizing, ‘Do I like them?’ over ‘Do they like me?’” — and more relationship advice from adults with ADHD on cultivating healthy relationships.
In a recent survey of 1,883 ADDitude readers, only 3.5% said they have no challenges in their relationships and friendships. The remaining respondents reported difficulties with meeting new people, staying in touch, social anxiety, and rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) — all of which thwart potential and long-term connections.
Here, we take a closer look at the challenges that hinder friendships and relationships and offer reader-provided solutions for building lasting connections because, as one respondent wrote, “If you don’t try, you’ll never know what could have been.”
Challenge #1: Reaching Out
More than half (55%) of respondents said proactively making plans was their biggest friendship challenge.
Solution: Last-Minute Plans
“I have found the best way to get together with other busy parent friends is to call and ask, ‘What are you doing right now?’ Half the time, we meet at a park or home for a few hours on a random day. This works much better than making plans since it’s hard to prioritize ‘getting together’ over family or other obligations.”
“I make plans at the last minute on the days I feel I can be social.”
Solution: Schedule Check-Ins
“I put my friends’ names in my calendar to remind me to check in, whether we have plans or not.”
“I set a goal to message someone a few times a week and even put it on my to-do list. Otherwise, it will not get done.”
“I schedule a Zoom call with an out-of-state friend, who has similar challenges to mine, every few weeks.”
“My best friend and I like to have phone calls over morning coffee on some weekends. It’s a great way to start the day!”
“I text my friends when I think about them, even if it’s not a ‘convenient time,’ so they know I’m still thinking about them.”
[Get This Free Download: The ADHD Friendship Guide for Adults]
Challenge #2: Managing Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)
RSD is extreme emotional sensitivity and pain triggered by the perception of criticism or rejection. It is common in adults with ADHD and impeded the relationships of 43% of survey respondents.
Solution: Be Reflective, Not Reactive
“Take a step back when RSD happens and ask yourself, whether it’s RSD or real.”
“Try to practice not reacting to RSD at the moment and ignoring the urge to catastrophize.”
“The Safe and Sound Protocol has helped a lot with my RSD.”
Solution: Be Transparent
“Let friends know if you struggle with RSD. They may not have ever heard of it, but once they know, they will usually help you find ways to feel less rejected (e.g., by using different wording in text messages, not letting you disappear, etc.).”
“Figure out what triggers your rejection sensitivity and how to communicate it with your loved ones. If they know what might trigger you, they can help you through feelings when they come up (e.g., saying, ‘I’m not canceling because I don’t want to spend time with you; it’s because of x…’).”
[Read: “I Can’t Handle Rejection. Will I Ever Change?”]
Challenge #3: Forming New Social Connections
More than one-third (38%) of respondents said they had difficulty knowing where and how to make new connections.
Solution: Join an Online Community
“Social media keeps me from completely losing touch with my friends.”
“Facebook groups have provided validation that I am not alone and have given me an avenue to help others and connect with other similarly minded folks in my area.”
“Taylor Swift’s online community is welcoming and fun.”
Solution: Join an In-Person Community
“Get involved in something, e.g., a club. It will give you a reason to socialize and can also distract you when the socializing becomes too much.”
“Find a house of worship you like and keep going.”
“Engaging in person is always the best way to meet new friends. I encourage myself to sign up for classes and check out community events whenever possible. Never underestimate the value of a human smile.”
“Focus on planned, short, easy group meetings with people for a finite amount of time. That way, I know how long I need to be ‘on’ rather than sit through a long-drawn-out event.”
“I love board games. I met my partner at a board game store’s open game night.”
“I am in recovery, and I have found a staggering number of friends in recovery groups (12 Step and otherwise) who are also neurodivergent. Spending time with others in a 12-step program with similar problems helps me not feel alone or special — meaning, my problems are unique to me, but I’m not the only person struggling with similar issues. Creating community and abandoning solitude, exceptionalism, and isolation is immeasurably valuable.”
Solution: Step Out of Your Comfort Zone
“Sometimes things feel awkward or uncomfortable — just sit in the discomfort.”
“I push myself occasionally to make plans with friends and family even when I’m too tired.”
“Be friendly, open, and curious. Be brave and introduce yourself at parties or gatherings. If you connect with someone, ask them to connect again through phone numbers or Facebook. Then, invite them out or over for coffee or a walk. Someone needs to make the first move.”
“Strike up a conversation with the wallflowers at gatherings.”
Challenge #4: Finding Your People
Finding friends was hard for 20% of respondents, and so was identifying people who appreciate (not criticize) their neurodivergence.
Solution: Seek Out Neurodivergent Friends
“My closest friends also have ADHD and totally understand and accept not only my quirks but also my absences from online or in-person chats and catch-ups.”
“I’ve always gravitated toward neurodivergent people. Other relationships end up feeling too much like work because of trying to meet their needs and expectations of a friendship, which are often contrary to my own.”
“It helps when your friends also have ADHD or are neurodivergent. It means easier conversations and less judgment. I highly recommend it.”
Solution: Be Transparent with Others
“I’m very transparent with my family and friends regarding my challenges. It’s helpful to say things like, ‘I’m laughing because I’m uncomfortable,’ or acknowledging awkwardness. Verbalizing things helps me recognize my feelings.”
“Tell your friends you struggle to call or make plans, but you haven’t intentionally forgotten or ghosted them.”
“Be open from the beginning, e.g., say, ‘I might cancel plans last minute if I’m having a tough day,’ ‘I will probably forget to send you a birthday card,’ ‘I might not reply to your messages for days or weeks,’ etc. If they’re fine with this, you’re off to a good start!”
“It has helped to let friends know that I have ADHD and may not appear to be listening, but I really am trying. I have also shared that because of my tendency to hyperfocus on a task, I might miss important details they said about their life. And again, I do care and don’t mean for it to seem like I’m disinterested.”
Solution: Be Transparent with Yourself
“I remind myself that not everybody is a good fit for me, just as I am not for others. To find my tribe, I need to interact with many people and let go of many people. It’s the same for others. It’s not personal; it’s a numbers game.”
“Try not to have strong judgments or expectations of other people. Just because you would respond to someone’s message immediately doesn’t mean everybody can or does. Just because you would always be available for someone doesn’t mean they will or can. Really look for people you like. When you meet people, don’t prioritize ‘Do they like me?’ Prioritize ‘Do I like them?’ Spread your social and emotional needs among different people so nobody gets too overwhelmed. Don’t put pressure on anyone to be your everything.”
Challenge #4: Social Anxiety
One- third of respondents said social anxiety keeps them from attending social events or engaging in conversations — all necessary for relationship building.
Solution: Change Your Mindset
“If I feel anxious in a social setting, I treat it like a work setting, where I do fine. I put on a mask initially, but eventually, I will feel comfortable being my genuine self. It’s sort of like ‘fake it till you make it.’”
“When it comes to RSD and social anxiety situations, it has been immensely helpful for me to realize that I have more power than I think I do. If I’m anxious about someone being difficult or unkind, I have the power to be proactively warm, confident, and kind, which (I remind myself) will only make them embarrassed or look bad if they choose to respond with unkindness.”
“Remember that you’re thinking more about yourself than they are.”
Solution: Prepare
“I think about topics I will discuss before going out.”
“Keep practicing! Watch others in social settings. Observe how they interact and think about how you can apply it. Then, practice in little steps. Be patient.”
Challenge #5: Navigating Conversations and Social Cues
The rules of conversation often baffle ADHD brains, which are prone to overshare, interrupt, or zone out. Twenty percent of respondents said navigating conversations and social cues was their biggest relationship barrier.
Solution: Practice Self-Awareness
“I tell friends and family to let me know when I’m doing something that annoys them or interferes with our ability to engage in conversations. I also check back in with them and ask if I’ve interrupted too much or if I’ve made a conversation too much about myself. My self-awareness and my friends’ honesty helped me improve my social behaviors and become a better listener.”
Solution: Hold Your Tongue
“I try to hold back instead of butting into conversations. This can be hard, as I worry that I will forget to say something. Ha!”
“Allow people to speak about themselves. Try not to interrupt. Ask questions without an agenda.”
“Don’t give your opinion, unless you are asked for it!”
“Just stop talking.”
Solution: Notice Details
“I always look for something I like about the person I’m talking to and compliment them on it. This helps me relate, connect, better absorb the interaction, and be present.”
“I use my superpower of remembering small details to build relationships. For example, if someone gives me a T.V. show recommendation, I’ll watch it and text them about it.”
“The Science of People website is so helpful.”
Solution: Be Authentic
“It takes a lot of mental energy to pretend to be someone you’re not to fit into a group you don’t value or that doesn’t value you. I also find it challenging to engage in small talk, making superficial friendships difficult. Having a few quality friendships rather than many shallow ones is OK. Embrace being the odd one out or someone who doesn’t conform to the norm. Authenticity feels much more fulfilling than conformity.”
“I try to be my most authentic self. I don’t have many friends, but at least I’m being true to myself. Eventually, I will find people who will love and appreciate me for who I am.”
“It is OK to be an introvert.”
“Communicate your needs, notice your boundaries, and don’t try to change yourself for others.”
Challenge #6: Prioritizing My Partner
Our partners are often our best friends, but 23% of respondents said that “prioritizing my partner” was their greatest relationship obstacle.
Solution: Designate Time
“Even when the day is busy, carve out 5 to 15 minutes before going to sleep to talk with your significant other.”
“My partner and I (we both have ADHD) have weekly check-ins where we touch base on how we are doing individually, as a couple, and if there are any ways we can support one another in meeting our goals. It also allows us to follow up on things we may have been putting off or need additional support. It has become an important time for connection and accountability in our relationship.”
“Every day, I actively and genuinely compliment my husband and, where appropriate, express my gratitude for his support of me. Secondly, every day, I do something for my husband without referring to it and without expecting any gratitude or thanks in return. These two actions have significantly improved our lives. Our relationship is closer and kinder.”
“Complete The Fair Play Deck: A Couple’s Conversation Deck for Prioritizing What’s Important (#CommissionsEarned) with your partner when relaxed and feeling good. It has helped me split the domestic load more equitably, pause resentments, and draw a direct line between stuff going on in my partner’s life and why something did or did not get done.”
How to Make Friends As an Adult with ADHD: Next Steps
- Celebrate Every Step! Join the Small Wins Appreciation Network
- Download: Small Wins That Add Up to Big Change!
- Read: 6 Ways to Build and Sustain Healthy Relationships in the New Year
- Read: Bad Texter? Worse Caller? 6 Ways to Rekindle Cold Friendships
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